I Have Trust Issues

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me about whether I was thinking about finding another church to attend. I hesitated, talked around the question for a bit, and then I was finally able to admit out loud that I have trust issues when it comes to church leadership.

There was a time when I would automatically trust someone because they said they were a christian. That went doubly so for anyone in leadership in a church. Stupidly, naively, I bought into the idea that christians in general, and christian leaders in particular, could be trusted.

As much as I still sometimes feel angry at myself for that stupidity, the fact is that I did believe it.

And I learned the hard way that it wasn't true.

And in the aftermath of that disillusionment, I have now been able to admit that I have been left with a distrust of church leaders.

Minions Facebook Page

I am willing to trust someone if they prove they are trustworthy. But titles, positions and even what people say are no longer enough. If attitudes and actions don't match up with those things, I'm keeping my distance.

Once bitten, twice shy.

That doesn't mean I'm bitter. And it doesn't mean I'm unforgiving. It doesn't even mean that the wounds I received haven't scarred over. It just means I've learned from what I went through.

I'm still willing to be open. I'm still willing to be loyal. I'm even still willing to be vulnerable.

But I won't trust automatically. And I won't trust blindly.

And I won't go back into a religious system which has proved to be so unsafe. Because it places one man (or woman) in a position of power and authority over their brothers and sisters. And I've never yet met anyone who doesn't eventually let that power go to their heads.

Dangerous 'Christian Leaders'

Until they were 'accidentally' deleted, I had been reading some of the 800 plus comments on a blog post lauding the most recent book of Tony Jones, a 'christian leader' who is surrounded by controversy regarding abuse allegations.

This is a man who left his wife and children to live with another man's wife. This is a man who has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is a man who is acclaimed as a 'leader' of  the'emergent' church.

A few days prior to this, I was reading about the launch of 'christian leader', Mark Driscoll's new ministry platform.

This is a man who headed up the "most abusive, coercive ministry culture" that one pastor had ever been involved with. This is a man whose own elders called for him to step down. This is a man who openly boasted about throwing people under the bus.

Naked Pastor

And all the while I think about the fact that the elder who bullied and abused his peers in a bid to be top dog in my ex-church has already left to start his own so he can really be in control. This is a man who amply demonstrated he valued position and power more than relationship - and he has started his own church.

And he learned his 'leadership' style from his previous church where the pastor has damaged people for years with his "my way or the highway" approach. This is a man who was willing to see an entire congregation of people to leave the church rather than let them pursue their own vision.

And I think of the man who I turned to for help when I was being bullied and abused by my peer. This is a man who told me that I should submit to the 'godly leadership' of my abuser, and if I couldn't do that I should resign from leadership myself. This is a man who has his own itinerant counselling ministry!

Does anyone else see anything wrong with this picture?

Does anyone else question the fitness of these men to be 'christian leaders'?

Does anyone else wonder how many people have to get hurt before someone calls a stop and faces the reality of how much damage 'christian leaders' are inflicting on people?

Does anyone else care how many have been so badly hurt that they have turned away from their faith - mistakenly believing that the way these 'leaders' act reflects the heart of God.

Does anyone else fear how many more will experience this trauma in the future simply because no-one is willing to listen to those who are crying out, "Stop it, you're hurting me!"

These 'leaders' keep sacrificing people in the name of their gods, and not one seems willing to lay aside their position and their reputation and see how their behaviour might be damaging the people around them.

Wake up guys! You are not safe to be around!

Lay aside your reputations, your politics, your positions of power, and listen to your victims. All those you've damaged; you've ostracised; you've abandoned. All those you've run over with your bus and left bleeding by the side of the road.

Stop and see the damage you've inflicted. And then do something about it.

Not "I'm sorry you are hurt" apologies.

Not "mistakes were made" confessions.

Real, honest, raw repentance is what you need.

For God's sake, find it!

Insanity In The Church

My ex-husband's way of dealing with relationship breakdown was just to walk away and pretend it had never happened.

Despite the many times I asked him to meet with me and deal with the reality of what had happened between us, he refused. He wanted to walk away and get on with the fun he was having (i.e. an affair) If he didn't have to face reality, he could convince himself that he'd done nothing wrong and so there was nothing to deal with. If I was hurt, that was my problem.

In my book, that was the behaviour of a coward.

The reality is that people who don't deal with their own crap when relationships fail, simply carry that stuff straight into their next relationship and do further damage there. They may convince themselves that they just need to leave it all behind and move on, but when it's not owned and dealt with, more people end up being hurt.

The truth of this assertion has been amply demonstrated by my ex-husband. The relationship he left me for didn't last - and he is currently married to yet another woman. I don't know how many affairs and other liaisons he's had in that time, but I do know that being unattached was never his style - he always went from one relationship to another, apparently without even a moment of self-awareness, much less self-refletion.

He's not yet turned 50 and he's been through at least 3 'marriage' relationships - with children involved in at least two of them.

Think about that for a moment - think of the devastation and heartbreak behind those simple statistics.

Now think about this. My ex-church behaved in exactly the same way.

The refusal to meet together and work through our issues. The attitude that any hurt I felt was my problem, not theirs. The determination to move on and pretend nothing really happened.

Nothing was ever dealt with. No admission of any misconduct, no ownership of any wrongdoing, no willingness to face the reality. Just bury the bodies and move on.

And, to my absolute disbelief, they've just 'called' a new pastor. Despite having had 3 major leadership crises in less than 20 years of existence, this church is simply moving on to the next leader without ever dealing with the crap that has wrought such devastation in the past. (That's 3 different leadership teams and 3 disasters - a 100% failure record!) Apparently, this time it will somehow be different... apparently... but for no obviously discernible reason...

I am deeply disturbed when I think of what this new 'pastor' and his young family might have to go through. But those who run the church refuse to see or hear.

They wouldn't give credence to anything I might say - any more than they listened to warnings given the last time round! (Even though the guy who spoke up last time was proved right, that reality is completely ignored!)

So all I can do is express my horror and disbelief at their wilful 'insanity' here. And pray to God that something changes... somehow...

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BTW, there is one thing that was different between my ex-husband's behaviour and my ex-church's. He'd turned his back on God and was simply intent on his own selfish desires. The church behaved this way and justified it in the name of God!