Do Hurt People, Hurt People?

There is an old saying, "Hurt people, hurt people."

The idea is that people who have been hurt will lash out and hurt others in their pain. Sounds reasonable... sort of...

Except for the fact that some of the kindest, gentlest people I know are those who have been hurt deeply.

And they'd rather chew off their right arm than wound another the way they have been.

Which leads me to a question: Is this just another form of victim-blaming? "It's your fault that I have to ignore your pain because you haven't dealt with it like 'good christians' should."

Is it a way to dismiss someone's very real grievances? "Oh, that person is just operating out of their hurt. We don't need to listen to them."

I would like to offer an alternative thought here - one that is certainly much closer to the reality that I've experienced.

It's actually people who pretend to themselves and others that they are not hurt, who hurt others.

It's the people who fool themselves into believing that they've got it all together who are the danger.

All of us have been broken or damaged by life in one way or another. But not all of us are willing to acknowledge that damage. Not all choose the painful road of owning our brokenness.

Worse still, many christians have been taught to believe in the "magic words" - say the right words in a prayer, and Jesus makes everything shiny! But it's not true. Some of the most godly men and women throughout history have been plagued by illness, depression, and doubts all their lives. But it was those who accepted that they were fractured who were able to transcend their reality.

Sadly, those who refuse to embrace the darkness of their own souls just compound their brokenness. They put on their masks and smother their pain.

Pain? What pain? I'm living in victory!

In the christian circles I've moved in, it is not the wounded who do the harm - it is the people who pretend they're not broken.

Rejected, but Free! (what price acceptance?)

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As anyone who's visited my Facebook Page could tell you, I read a lot of blogs. That's who I am. I read, I ponder, I process. A lot. It's how I'm made. (Apparently, some people believe "thinking too much" is a sin - but that's another story...)

Anyway I recently came across a post by Andy Gill entitled Escaping Evangelicalism. But it was the subtitle that caught my eye, "The Process of Healing from Spiritual and Theological Abuse".

In it, he talks about his struggle to fit in:

"I tried really hard to pretend and warp into who everyone wanted me to be. But it was a double-edged sword deciding between the choice of being accepted as someone I’m not or the choice of being rejected for who I actually am."

He adds:

"The church is where I heard about freedom and grace, but not where I experienced freedom and grace because I never felt safe enough to truly be myself."

He concludes:

"In the last 5-years I’ve learned that there is no pastoral position, no Christian-career, no single person worth losing your autonomy over. It’s an amazing thing to learn that who you are is enough. It’s even more amazing to see how much you can accomplish by just being yourself."

And it reminded me of my last encounter with "J" and his wife. Sure, it had shaken me up for a time, but the truth of Mr Gill's conclusion is my truth too.

There's nothing worth selling your soul for!

If the price of acceptance is living a lie, then I'll take the rejection - I've seen what living a lie costs!

In October 2013, board member D wrote the following words to me:

"All of the leadership have left this difficult situation behind a year ago. We have moved on, we have and are walking in victory, we have forgiven you for your cruel words, accusations, and your gossiping to others."

But it's just not the truth. The look on the face of J's wife was neither one of forgiveness nor victory. It was a look of vitriol, of bitter hatred towards me.

I think D wrote it because it's what he needed to believe, but I also think it's because that was the lie that had been fed to him.

I've seen this couple say and do the 'right thing' in front of people who 'matter', even when this contradicted things spoken to others. I've seen them pretend and cover up (like this) to protect their image.

And I just can't begin to imagine the horror of living with such feelings and not being allowed to own them! I couldn't live with the knowledge of my true feelings having to be imprisoned within me because I'd bought my acceptance at the price of honesty.

The saddest part is that it didn't have to be this way.

It doesn't have to be this way.

It makes me weep for the thousands of others in 'the church' right now who are caught in this trap of their own making. People who bought the sweet-sounding offer of "Just As I Am" only to find it quickly turned into "I Want to be Clone".

Brothers, sisters, I pray you find a way to break out of your prison - that you escape the unending requirement of having to act out your part in a meaningless charade.

My heart breaks for the people who found the price was just too high and have chosen to walk away (or were driven away). How many of them now find themselves shunned by former friends and family? How many are out there, staring down the long road of healing from spiritual abuse?

Precious people, I pray that the joy of your freedom grows ever stronger, and the pain of your rejection dulls and fades. I pray you find peace with the One who knows what it is to be despised and rejected... and free!

Attitude Matters

The other day, I had a conversation at work that got me thinking.

A colleague had arrived barely a minute late and she was apologising for it. Her co-worker responded graciously and it sparked a conversation, during which this young woman shared that her dad viewed turning up to work early to be absolutely imperative. She said he'd been known to sack tradies working for him if they turned up late.

That night I came back to the conversation and started mulling it over. It occurred to me that anyone can arrive early to work, but still have lousy attitude all day. Likewise, it is possible for one who is normally conscientious at their work to be late in arriving.

So an action, in and of itself, is of limited benefit in conveying the heart attitude of the person involved.

This is the problem with legalism. It demands an outward conformity to a set of rules but cannot move the heart of those involved. So it reduces the us to the performance of approved actions but leaves our attitude untouched. As long as we are seen to be acting a certain way, our motivation for doing so is rarely questioned.

The danger in this is we can be left with a facade which has nothing behind it - no substance.

As long as we look good, it is presumed we are good.

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And this got me wondering how much this plays into the realities we have been seeing in the institutional church. There have been many leaders in recent times whose behaviour has been revealed as abusive or corrupt and yet they seem incapable of admitting it - of really owning their own crap. (And Mark Driscoll is just the latest, christian-celebrity example of this.)

It also appears that those watching on, applauding the outward appearance, don't want to see the emptiness behind the facade. As long as the leader looks good, mouths the correct words, they don't seem to care that there may be nothing of substance behind the looks, no meaningful reality to those words. As longs as it looks good!

I wonder how much of this imperative to maintain the facade is built on the presumption that looking good equates to being good?

Conversely, how many leaders have done real good (and won genuine respect) by admitting their faults and addressing their sin?

You see, a good appearance can be deceptive - it's what's in the heart that is important.

Attitude matters.