Doing The Best I Can

I had a difficult conversation with someone the day my sister died. I wanted them to understand the reality I have lived with since spiritual abuse drove me out of 'the church'.

So I tried to explain that I was not only facing the grief of losing my sister prematurely. I also had to deal with malice from my sister-in-law in the midst of that, because she had sided with the church leaders who'd told me to submit to the "godly leader" who was bullying and abusing me.

And she has refused ever since to deal with the crap that is still between us.

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As I wrote last August when my mother died, even though I keep forgiving, I have to live with the ongoing realities of being reviled by others, including members of my own family.

And it hurts. And it keeps on inflicting fresh hurt! And most people just don't 'get' that.

So please don't lecture me on how I should respond. Please don't throw a bunch of christian cliches at me. Please don't quote scripture at me or insist on praying at me without my consent.

I understand my pain makes you uncomfortable and it doesn't fit with your neat theologies...

BUT...

I am doing the best I can. I still love God. I keep forgiving. I am dealing with the crap.

So please give me the space and time I need. Please show some compassion. Please be secure enough to just listen. And love. And trust me to God.

I Have Trust Issues

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me about whether I was thinking about finding another church to attend. I hesitated, talked around the question for a bit, and then I was finally able to admit out loud that I have trust issues when it comes to church leadership.

There was a time when I would automatically trust someone because they said they were a christian. That went doubly so for anyone in leadership in a church. Stupidly, naively, I bought into the idea that christians in general, and christian leaders in particular, could be trusted.

As much as I still sometimes feel angry at myself for that stupidity, the fact is that I did believe it.

And I learned the hard way that it wasn't true.

And in the aftermath of that disillusionment, I have now been able to admit that I have been left with a distrust of church leaders.

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I am willing to trust someone if they prove they are trustworthy. But titles, positions and even what people say are no longer enough. If attitudes and actions don't match up with those things, I'm keeping my distance.

Once bitten, twice shy.

That doesn't mean I'm bitter. And it doesn't mean I'm unforgiving. It doesn't even mean that the wounds I received haven't scarred over. It just means I've learned from what I went through.

I'm still willing to be open. I'm still willing to be loyal. I'm even still willing to be vulnerable.

But I won't trust automatically. And I won't trust blindly.

And I won't go back into a religious system which has proved to be so unsafe. Because it places one man (or woman) in a position of power and authority over their brothers and sisters. And I've never yet met anyone who doesn't eventually let that power go to their heads.