In Which I Am Grateful For My Loss!

This past week, with social media bristling with the noise and reaction to the American Supreme Court's decision regarding same sex marriage, my strongest emotional response has been one of gratitude for being hounded from the IC (institutional church).

That might sound strange... but I can explain.

You see, I spent most of my life in the IC and it taught me well. It taught me that there was a right way to think and a wrong way. It taught me that there was an acceptable way to behave and an unacceptable way. Most of all, it taught me to fear.

To fear anything that was outside the prescribed and approved thoughts and behaviours.

And so with fear and outrage running hot across the internet, and memories of how I, too, used to live in that space flooding in, I was overcome with gratitude for the freedom and rest I've discovered since IC and I so painfully parted ways.

I didn't have to react to what the newsfeeds where screaming at me. I didn't need to fear the sky was falling in. I didn't feel obliged to jump in and 'defend' anything.

I just sat with God and relished his love and his peace, knowing he was immeasurably bigger...

Things That Matter!

I'm not sure why it got to me yesterday.

After all the times I've had elder J's wife walk past me at school or at the shops in the past two years... all the times she's refused to acknowledge I even exist... all the times she's suddenly been fascinated with the thin air in the opposite direction from where I was...

despite all the times I've begged J and his wife to talk through our issues...

this time, seemingly out of nowhere, I lost the plot.

I endured the long ride up the travelator, as they came down pretending they didn't see me.

We came near enough to hear each other... near enough to reach out and touch...

and I couldn't stay silent.

"So, is this what we're going to do for the rest of our lives is it? Just pretend we don't know each other?"

Finally, for the first time in two years she looked directly at me. She spoke not one word.

But the malevolence in that look said it all!

I've seen that look before. Her good friend, my SIL, has flashed it at me several times - including at my mother's funeral.

Be warned!

This is what you live with if you have been evil enough to fight back against the religious bullies. This is the reality you face after standing up and identifying the stinking elephant in your midst. This is the judgement carried out against you for naming the nakedness of the 'emperor'.

And after all this time of living with the consequences of the abuse, I was caught off balance.

But the good news is that I have wonderful friends who are there for me. Who are willing to let me cry and swear and rant. Who pray with me. Who support me. Who love me. Unconditionally!

I thank God for those friends.

And I'm reminded of why I took a stand at 'church' in the first place.

People matter. Relationship matters.

When you are willing to sacrifice them on the altar of your 'church', or your ambition, or your [fill in the blank with whatever is more important to you than your friends], you lose a part of your humanity - and that also matters!

Grateful

Credit: photobucket

My husband and I were sitting with a young friend during the week telling her about an experience we had in 2006 while looking for a church to attend (see this post). The sermon had not been a great experience, but my husband reminded me that the singing worship had been great. For obvious reasons, I flippantly commented, "In hindsight, maybe we should have just stayed there."

The friend, who is like a daughter to us, look slightly shocked and said, "But then you would't have met me!" (We met this precious girl as a direct result of our involvement in the church I've blogged about here.)

It was one of those moments when you see again, with sudden clarity, that even in the darkest times there are rays of redeeming sunshine which break through the pain.

I am reminded again of the goodness of God. It doesn't cancel out the sin and brokenness of our experience, but it reveals the gems concealed in the dirt, but just waiting for us to recognise.

And I am grateful!