The Elephants In The Church

In a recent interview with Christianity Today*, Rachael Denhollander (a survivor of Larry Nassar's horrific reign of abuse) pointed directly at the elephant in the room and clearly named it. The elephant is, of course, the truth that the church is not a safe place to look for help when dealing with abuse. In fact she said it is actually one of the worst places to seek help!

But she wasn't finished. She then looked slightly to the right of this animal and identified it's twin brother - the vilification and shunning of those who dare to expose abuse within the church.

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She was under no illusions that the support she had received from evangelical christians in exposing Larry Nassar's abuse was very much tied to the fact that he was regarded as "other" - an outsider and therefore fair game. Evangelicals of all sorts claimed her as their own and held her up as a sterling example of 'christian' courage and forgiveness. Yet when she addressed the issue of the cover-up and enabling of child sex abuse in the church, she was suddenly "mistaken" and making "false accusation[s]". Her own abuse was used as a weapon against her - because she was so wounded, she was seeing things that just weren't there!

But she is intelligent, articulate, and - despite being labelled, judged, and shunned - she is refusing to sit down and shut up. She is standing her ground. And she is pushing back! 

She is pushing back against an institution which, on the one hand, is well-known for advising victims of abuse to simply "forgive and move on", or suck it up for the sake of appearances or even submit to their abuser's supposed "God-given authority"; and which on the other, has a long history of silencing, shunning, and further abusing those who attempt to expose this evil in its midst.

Of course the irony is that this same institution has habitually held itself up as both model and arbiter of all that is righteous and pure in the world. It has regularly condemned "sinners", railed against "the world" and pursued power to enforce its own moral code. And in doing so, it has far too often achieved nothing but to drive people away from the One who came, not to judge and condemn, but to prove his outrageous love. The One who put power aside - consistently rejecting its allure - and cared so little about his own reputation that the religious leaders ruled him unfit to represent their god.

So maybe it's time for a new plan - one that looks a whole lot more like Jesus. And maybe that needs to start with acknowledging those elephants are there; admitting that we invited them in; and cleaning up those stinking piles of their dung!

* I highly recommend you click through and read it!

When Christians Refuse to Follow Christ

"...if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and while there you remember that your brother has something [such as a grievance or legitimate complaint] against you, leave your offering there at the altar and go. First make peace with your brother, and then come and present your offering." - Jesus Christ

While this seems to be a fairly unambiguous instruction - which comes straight from the lips of the One christians profess to follow - I find it mind-boggling how often the exact opposite happens in christian circles. I'm particularly appalled by how many 'leaders' there are who refuse to engage with their brothers and sisters; who seem to have no interest in even listening to their 'siblings', let alone  making peace with them; and who continue to silence and shun those who voice their legitimate grievances.

I know there must be leaders out there who do deal with disagreement and discord - I have heard stories that they exist - but like unicorns and faeries, I have yet to encounter any of them myself. In fact, in the aftermath of the bullying and abuse I experienced at my ex-church, I asked a variety of people to sit down and talk things through, and yet none of the men who saw themselves as 'leaders' would do so.

And the couple at the centre of the power play consistently declined to meet with me unless it was with their pet "counsellor". (And as he had already told me that the church would collapse if this couple left it, I had my suspicions regarding his impartiality.) Three years later, when this couple attempted to take me to court, I offered professional mediation as an alternative way of dealing with things, but still they refused.

For some time, I thought that this behaviour was an aberration - that most christians took seriously Jesus' call to "leave your gift in front of the altar" and "go and be reconciled" with your brother or sister. Maybe there was just something in the water of this little church that led to such craven behaviour.

But then it happened in my "christian" workplace, too. As the office manager, I was dealing with a case of bullying amongst the staff when my boss suddenly stepped in and sidelined me, protecting the bully. Despite the testimony of several witnesses, this man decided to believe the lies of the bully and made several accusations against me based upon them. When I showed him proof that they were not true, he simply refused to acknowledge the evidence, and then ignored my repeated requests for a hearing on the matter.

Surely that was an unlucky co-incidence? Lightning might have struck twice in the same place, but...

...then, at the end of last year, it happened again! An incident at my son's 'christian' school exposed a situation which seriously disturbed both my husband and I. It led us to contact the principal whose behaviour and attitude we had found highly inappropriate. After it became clear that our email communication was not going to be fruitful, I offered to meet face-to-face in order to attempt some resolution of the matter. Apparently he appreciated the offer... but he was quite certain he understood us and therefore had no interest in pursuing my offer. (Of course, knowing what someone thinks and understanding why they do so, are worlds apart. But that's another story.) Once again it was a case of thanks, but no thanks.

Now, never let it be said that I don't profit by my experience! And I had reached the point where I'd actually come to expect this reaction, so I wasn't in the least bit surprised by it. And as experience has also taught me there's no point in pushing the issue, I didn't waste my breath any further. (I'm a great believer in letting people make their own choices in life.)

But that doesn't mean I think it's ok, or that I can respect it. And it sure doesn't mean I can reconcile it with those words of Jesus, who we each say we are following.

More importantly, what it does mean is that each time it happens, the credibility of christianity takes another blow, and it's most often from those who speak the loudest about their religion - and who lament the longest about how 'the world' won't take them seriously. But when people see us refuse to work through our disagreements, or deal with our discord, then I'd say they are wise to dismiss us. Until we can demonstrate we are not afraid to work through disputes, or contend for peace in the midst of conflict, we actually have nothing to offer. And I think it's about time we were honest with ourselves about that fact.

Is This Love?

I read a heart-breaking blog post today about a child who reached out for love and understanding from the church, and who was offered judgement and condemnation in their stead. As I was reading, the following words leaped out at me:

“If we want to understand what it means to love, we need to be looking to Christ, and taking notice of those he drew to himself and the way in which he drew them. The way in which we ourselves were drawn.”

Those words raised an important question in my mind: How many people in the church actually have been 'drawn to Jesus' because of his outrageous, totally unconditional love?

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And how many have merely “made a decision for Christ” because they were told that unless they did, they would spend eternity being tortured in hell?

How many simply muttered "the sinner's prayer" like an incantation as insurance against being condemned to an unending punishment, having been assured that the “wrath of God” can be assuaged by nothing less?

And it occurred to me that maybe this is the heart of the problem. That we are unable to love like Jesus loved, because we have never actually received that love ourselves.

I know growing up in the church, this was my experience.

I was told that God loved me. But the proof I was offered was that he slaughtered his own son in order to "pay the debt" I owed him for being born such a miserable sinner. (Even though being born at all was his idea, not mine.)

I was told that Jesus loved me. They said he'd proved it by "taking my place" and getting tortured and killed instead of me. So I kind of owed him. And that meant I had to be on my best behaviour for the rest of my life (a life which he now owned by the way) to somehow make it up to him or something.

So I said a prayer which, I was told, guaranteed me my very own "get-out-of-hell-free" card.

The trouble is, in all of this I hadn't been drawn to Jesus because he loved me. I'd been compelled to say a prayer because I was so scared of what I was told would happen if I didn't.

So I spent years "being a christian" and "going to church", while the love I knew about in theory remained just that. Theoretical. And because of that - because what I'd received was shame and fear, not love - that was all I had to offer others.

All I had to share was the message of how bad I had been until Jesus "took my punishment", and how bad others were until they accepted the same offer and then lived up to the conditions written in small print in the contract. And those conditions seemed to consist mostly of avoiding the list of sins that the church had cherry-picked out of the bible as being really too bad to forgive without a lot of grovelling and recanting, and a little bit of self-flagellation thrown in for good measure.

(Although, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure some of those "sins" were just made up to make sure we didn't have any fun, and had nothing to do with the bible at all! However, I digress...)

The point is, it is a sad reality that far too many people in the church today would swear blind that they are motivated purely by the love of God, but are really only offering shame and fear and sin-management to those around them. What is even sadder, is that they seem to have genuinely mistaken this for love!

Finding Jesus in Unlikely Places (Messing With Our Theology)

In the last few years, I have found my theology changing and growing, in large measure because I have had to face the fact that what I had been taught by the church didn't measure up to it's advertised reality.

To misappropriate a quote from the end of A Knight's Tale:

It had been weighed.
It had been measured.
And it had absolutely... been found wanting.

There are people who would now call me a heretic, and that's ok. I have no use for a religion which hurts people, and so my theology has had to change.

That is why it came as no surprise to me today when I suddenly realised that I have met the love of Jesus through one who once said to me, "I tried that religious thing and decided it wasn't for me."

The person in question is the psychologist I started seeing after the hell I went through last year. Somehow she managed to be both very professional and very compassionate. A rare mix.

Now I find it interesting that someone who disclaims any belief in God herself could be so incredibly warm and accepting of mine. I never once felt judged by her for the things I believed. In fact I felt totally accepted and acceptable to her, no matter what I shared with her.

She was inviting, meeting me exactly where I was, and making me feel ok to be there. She validated me without reserve and encouraged me to find a truer version of myself. She listened to my struggles and helped me find the path to my own healing. Very importantly, she was safe.

And in the midst of all that, she was Jesus to me.

She was the Jesus who met the sick and healed them; who met the broken and made them whole; who met the outcast and made them welcome. She helped set this captive free.

If that messes with your theology, I'm sorry. But I have discovered that God is a whole lot bigger than any one person's 'truth'. He does what he sees fit, regardless of what we believe he should do.

And I have a sneaking suspicion that he has a whole lot of fun doing it!

Learning To Love The Other

The other day I came across an online profile piece on a professional christian lobbyist. Among the questions put to him by the interviewer, was one asking what it was that made him nervous. His reply? Speaking to people who do not agree with my values.

Now I know it wasn't intended as a serious or in-depth article, nonetheless, a man’s words will always express what has been treasured in his heart.

And this is a man who makes a living speaking and debating others in the public sphere, and who sells himself as a spokesman for christians generally.

So, although many people (who obviously do agree with his 'values') commented on how good and brave he was to still speak out in public, despite his self-confessed nervousness, I was quite horrified by his remark.

Maybe it is just me, but the thing that screamed out to me was that this was a man who was only comfortable speaking to those who agreed with him! What does that say to you?

Speaking from personal experience, this attitude too often finds expression in arrogance and a refusal to see the other person as being in any way acceptable. It sends a message, loud and clear, that you are just plain wrong!

Now try to imagine you are someone who sees things differently from this man, and you are called upon to discuss a particular issue with him (whether in public, or not). You know that he feels very uncomfortable with you, and in fact, sees you very much as 'other'. How do you think that would that make you feel?

Would you feel that you were seen as a valid and legitimate contributor to the debate? Would you believe that he was interested in how (and why) you viewed things differently? Would you imagine that he viewed you as an actual person? Or would you wonder if he saw you as just another wrong opinion that must either be overborne and silenced, or converted to his way of thinking? What impact do you think it would it have on how you approach him?

At the end of the day, you'll never find anyone who subscribes 100% to your own pet doctrines and religious foibles. So maybe it's time that christians stopped seeing anyone beyond their own inner circle as outsiders... other... wrong.

This is the way I was taught to operate by the institutional church. I lived in fear of the other. And I was always dreading the thought that I might inadvertently do something or believe something that would make me 'other'. I was taught that safety was only to be found in uniformity and groupthink, in conformity and performance.

But eventually I learned the truth that I was really only acceptable if I toed the party line and submitted to the control of its 'leaders'. When I could no longer live that way, I was cast out into the wilderness of pain and rejection. And I was labelled a dangerous 'other'.

Since then, I have been on a journey which has taught me the value of engaging with the other.  Questioning it. Challenging it. Embracing it even. But never running in fear from it!

And instead of it being something that stunted me and robbed me, I have grown and been enriched in so many ways. My faith has both deepened and broadened, even as I've become less 'certain' of so many things. My trust is no longer in a set of doctrines, but in a living, loving God. I'm no longer afraid that I'll step over some arbitrary line and be 'lost'. (I know some people who think I'm beyond the pale, but God doesn't and he never will.)

So this is an invitation to the nervous lobbyist and all his equally nervous friends. Why not give up the fear and the deathly 'certainty' and actually start listening to the 'other'. Like me, you just might learn something. We are ALL created in God's image, and we each have something worth giving and something worth receiving. Let's walk in humility with everyone, and learn how to love!

Because that is what Jesus taught us to do!

Misrepresenting Jesus

In the past few weeks, I've been forcefully reminded of all the reasons I walked away from the institutional church, and I've revisited all the reasons why I no longer feel safe attending one.

I've also realised how sickened I am by the use of Jesus's name to stroke egos and build platforms, and to inflict pain and doubt and fear on those who are supposed to be family.

Too many people have been damaged and disillusioned by those who claim to represent Jesus - the one who spoke out against injustice, who defended the powerless, and who himself called out the religious leaders on their misrepresentation of God. So here's what I think:

When you chase after power and fame and numbers, you are not representing Jesus.

When you use the law to intimidate and silence others, you are not representing Jesus.

When you choose to protect your reputation by covering up heinous abuse, you are not representing Jesus.

When you try to control and 'discipline' the innocent while protecting the guilty, you are not representing Jesus.

When you build yourselves mansions in a world where poverty kills, you are not representing Jesus.

When you boast about throwing your brothers and sisters under the bus, you are not representing Jesus.

When you support the abuser and dismiss the abused, you are not representing Jesus.

When you build yourself an empire so you can play sexual power games with young women, you are not representing Jesus.

When you blame the victim instead of supporting them, you are not representing Jesus.

When you use fear and threats to control your brothers and sisters, you are not representing Jesus.

When you tear families apart and shun brothers and sisters, you are not representing Jesus.

When you shrug, offer platitudes and distance yourself from me when I tell you I'm being put through hell again, you are not representing Jesus!

And right now, it feels like Jesus is the very thinnest of threads that I'm holding onto. So I have no time for religion that fails to look anything like him at all!