Falling Down

I have to confess that I found myself reacting the other day to some words which had triggered me, and left me hearing repeated echoes of past abuse. I reacted. I struggled. I felt like I'd lost my footing and was flailing around trying to find my balance. "Not again," I thought, attempting to regain my equilibrium.

And as I wrestled with that reality, I was dragged down by the weight of failure. After all, I'd experienced so much healing since I lived in that old head-space. What on earth was wrong with me!?

But when I stopped the self-recrimination long enough to listen to my heart, I started to see that I'd simply fallen into an old, discarded trap - the false teaching which says that after you say the magic words everything is all better, and nothing will ever trouble you again.

But real life is not like that. We fall down. We get up. There is no magic.

So yes, I'd fallen down. And yes, I could get back up. But here's the really good news. The healing I've pursued has left me better equipped to get back up again. I don't need to pretend I haven't fallen. I don't need to stay down the hole. I'm no longer imprisoned by the toxic conditioning of my past.

I haven't 'failed'. I simply fell down.

But the experience has been useful, because it's made me stop and think. And it's helped me to realise that I no longer believe healing means:

• that we don't get hurt any more
• that we no longer get triggered
• that we have all the answers
• that we have no more struggles
• that we are now perfect
• that we have "arrived"

But it can mean:

• that we can more readily acknowledge the pain and process it
• that we can identify triggers and have strategies in place to deal with them
• that we have made peace with the mystery
• that we have hope in the midst of the struggle
• that we can embrace who we are - imperfections and all
• that we are continuing our journey 

 And it seems to me that's a much happier and healthier outcome.

My Healing Continues

In recent years, I've become accustomed to certain people pretending that I don't exist. If I won't shut up and go away or roll over and play dead, the only option left, apparently, is for them to refuse to acknowledge my existence.

There was a time when it used to upset me. Eventually, I got to a place where it mostly amused me.

But today, after another 'non-encounter' with one particular couple, I realised that it didn't really touch me any more - except for the genuine pity I felt for these people. And then I realised that this was something new for me. I felt no anger or resentment. I had no desire to even smile at the charade. I actually felt real compassion for those who had inflicted such deep wounding on me in the past.

This wasn't something I was manufacturing to prove that I was a "good christian". It wasn't because I felt guilt or shame or that I should feel this way. It was simply what was flowing naturally from my heart.

And for me, it was evidence that the heart-breaking deconstruction of my faith, and the letting go of past 'certainty' has actually been worth it. Proof that the agonising process of reconstruction which has cost me the 'approval' and relationship of many I once counted as close friends has not been in vain.

It was a beautiful confirmation to me of how deeply my healing has penetrated - testimony to the power of embracing my brokenness and admitting my need for help beyond myself.

Because this morning I simply wanted to go over to them, look them in the eyes and say, "Please, won't you give up this fear and hatred. Can't you see what it's doing to you and your children?"

My heart shed silent tears for them, and in the midst of it I think I caught just a tiny glimpse into the heart of Jesus as he wept over Jerusalem:

"...you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing. Look, your house is left to you desolate." (Matthew 23: 37-38)

Turning Evil to Good

(An Update on my Story)

In the biblical story of Joseph, his brothers hated him so much that they attacked him and then sold him into slavery in a foreign land. Eventually, he rose to a place of incredible power and authority in Egypt and ended up saving their lives (as well as countless others). After their father's death, the brothers feared Joseph would finally take revenge on them for their betrayal. Instead, he said to them, "Even though you planned evil against me, God planned good to come out of it."

And that's how I feel right now. That even though others "planned evil against me", I am now seeing the "good to come out of it".

Three years after leaving the institutional church, I'd found myself facing legal threats from some of those who'd 'encouraged' me to leave. It seemed like I was trapped in an incessant nightmare - that I'd never be free from the hostility and malice. The trauma was just too much to cope with and I ended up seeking professional counselling (from someone trained in psychology, not religion). And that has turned out to be the best thing I've done for myself in a very long time!

Just as my experience of spiritual abuse set me on a course of freedom from the religious rubbish that had weighed me down for too long, the attack on me late last year steered me towards getting the help I needed to rid my life of some other baneful baggage I was carrying. And it's feeling so good!

The truth is, we all need help sometimes. I did, and I'm grateful to be receiving the help I needed. It was way outside my comfort zone, and beyond by normal experience, but I did it anyway. And now I'm starting to experience the benefits. I've never for more at peace with myself, or more... whole.

If you are in that place - needing help beyond yourself - I'm really hoping you will be encouraged by my story to find whatever help you might need. And may it bring you the freedom you were created for.

We All Need Help Sometimes

I'm not going to wait until the last day of the year to share that 2015 has been an "Annus horribilis" for me and my family.

My sister died suddenly and unexpectedly, and in the midst of that I was attacked for saying how I sick I was of christians who refused to deal with their own crap. (By a man who seems to have a lifetime of unresolved crap.)

Several weeks later, I lost my job because I stood up against bullying in the workplace. (And I'd do the same all over again.)

And then, just as I was taking time out to heal, I was hit by legal action from two religious leaders who happened to be ex-friends. (Thankfully that has now been resolved as there was no evidence against me.)

But in the midst of that, my health broke down and I found myself unable to function in a reasonable manner. 

And I ended up seeking professional help.

And it's the best thing I could have done.

And, in hindsight, I probably should have done it 3 years ago after being abused in the church.

But the point is that I've done it now. And it was a good and healthy choice. And my ex-friends have done me favour in that regard.

And I want to say, if you are struggling, or angry, or grieving, in this time when it feels like the whole world is celebrating, then you are not alone. And it's ok to admit it. And I want to encourage you to seek the help you might need.

There is no shame in admitting you are not a robot, or that there are no magic words, or that denying your emotional state is somehow godly.

Jesus wept.

And he was real and unashamed and honest.

So don't let anyone, or anything, hold you back from admitting that you are not ok - and reaching out for whatever help and support you need. 

You, and I, are not alone!

Life After 'Church' Abuse

He leads me beside still waters...

It occurred to me this morning that Monday this week was the third anniversary of my resignation from 'church leadership'. The night before, I'd attended what turned out to be my last-ever elders' meeting. At that meeting I was told that my choice was, in effect, to submit to abuse or resign. Although I went to bed that night, I just couldn't sleep. And so, in the early hours of the morning, I got out of bed and emailed these words:

"When I originally stood for eldership it was out of obedience to the Father. I believed He had called me to bring who I was and what I do to the table to bless and serve [ex-church]. I also believed that we were elected as a team, accountable to each other and to the body; that we all had unique gifts and callings which were valued by each elder and that together we became so much more than just the sum of our parts. Over recent months I have increasingly felt that what I bring is no longer received or valued, and that trust and accountability has been lost. 

In the midst of this, I have never been more confident of the Father's call on my life. As I shared at the board meeting, God has been confirming again and again who I am and what He has created me to be and do. I know what He has laid on my heart and have seen good fruit come from my engagement in that. My validation comes from the Father and not from holding a position or title so, as I now believe I have the Father's release to do so, I am tendering my resignation from the eldership of [ex-church]. I remain committed to Kingdom relationship."

At the time, I genuinely believed that if I did what they wanted, then things could be worked out. Maybe by stepping aside people would feel less threatened by what I was saying. But the questions I'd raised could not be un-asked, so it seems that in their eyes I was the threat.

I learned the hard way that there is no room for the Kingdom where the mentality of empire-building (and king-making) has taken hold.

And as they say... the rest is history...

So why am I sharing this? Because (as I've said before) my experience is not unique. While the details may vary, the basics of my story get repeated every day - played out in churches of all types all around the world. And real people suffer real heartbreak - damaged by the very ones who'd promised them love and healing.

And to all those who are still living the nightmare, still doubting that they'll ever feel whole (or smile) again, I want to speak hope.

When I wrote that letter three years ago, I was too traumatised by all that had come before to be able to see clearly, and I had no idea what would happen or where I'd end up. I certainly had no inkling that it was actually a step towards a new life of freedom and wholeness.

And yet, reading it again after all this time, I see clearly that I was already on the journey. That I was already being guided towards the freedom and abundant life that Jesus promised - but which had always seemed to allude me.

It all felt too much like defeat and loss and betrayal, so I had no idea then how free and alive and whole I would come to feel! Yes, it took time. Yes, it got worse before it got better. Yes, I'm still journeying. But, these days I know a peace and rest within myself that I wouldn't exchange for the world.

At the time I thought I'd lost the things that represented the pinnacle of my faith life, but in reality all I had lost was a load of man-made 'religious' rubbish. I finally 'get' what Paul was talking about when he said, "everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him." Philippians 3

I lost a 'title', but Jesus had told us not to take them for ourselves. I lost a 'ministry', but ministry can, and does, happen wherever and whenever I find myself engaging with others. I lost 'relationships', but it seems they had been based on my performance and compliance to other people's agendas. I lost 'love', but it had only been conditional, so it wasn't real in the first place.

None of the things I 'lost' were of any value after all. In fact, they'd been as unwholesome as garbage, as noxious as sewage.

What I have discovered and embraced since then has been priceless. Because I've found Life* - free, abundant, joyful.

So if you've just been 'thrown under the bus', or if you've been on the journey of healing for a while and some days despair of ever being truly free, please hang in there. It won't always be like this. There is hope. You can make it.

Because however long and hard the journey might be, there really is Life after 'church' abuse.

Christians, Stop Shooting our Wounded

By Suzannah Paul

We talked about sex in the summer camp dining hall. It was staff orientation, and we unpacked consent, abuse, and how virginity is a lousy measure of the purity of one’s heart before God. We deconstructed bad metaphors, exploring the significance of the incarnation and the imago Dei.

She found me later, a young woman who’d been through hell and back. Her courage blew me away.

“Thank you for seeing me,” she said, eyes shining. “Sometimes I feel so invisible.”

WE LOVE TO TALK ON THINGS WE DON’T KNOW ABOUT

Our sisters’ and brothers’ blood cries out from the ground. Others bear unfading scars from sexual, psychological, physical, emotional, and spiritual abuses, suffered even at the hands of those claiming Christ’s name.

We may not have hearts to understand, but we serve up solutions all the same… Continue reading here.

The Hurt & The Healer (Mercy Me)

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all the scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

Silence Is Not Golden - It's My Time To Speak

By A Former Leader

I will no longer be silent!

I feel this today as clearly as I felt that we were to leave our CLB.

For the past year (except for a letter to two friends the first week we left) we have not initiated any relationships other than the ones who sought us out and those whom had already left the church.. We have worked hard sometimes to keep those – especially in the beginning – but we have not gone to our former friends to see if they wanted to have any sort of relationship with us.

But somewhere in the past few weeks I have decided something. I’M NOT WRONG!!

Now, I may not be entirely right. In fact I can say quite emphatically that I am certain that I am not entirely right on how I see facts from our past or our present situation. Really, that does not bother me anymore. I don’t haveto be completely right. What a freedom that is!!

Husband has always said that when I finally decide that I have done nothing wrong, I will be dangerous. He was right because what has kept me quiet all this time is that I felt that somehow, I was missing something. Somehow, I was reading the situation at our CLB wrong. Somehow, I would find out that really they were not as deceived as I thought they were. Somehow, I deserved to have relationships cut off. Somehow, I had done something really wrong. Somehow, what I had done necessitated my not being able to have relationships with these people.

I felt like I needed to just disappear from their lives so that they could go on unhindered in the church life that they have. If I saw them, I needed to just tell them that I loved them and “be nice to them.” I felt that I should not be the one to address the proverbial elephant that was standing in the corner of our conversation.

Then Daughter taught me a lesson the other day. She ran into some of our leaders unexpectedly. They waved and smiled. She approached them and without a lot of anger told them that it was not appropriate with what they have done to simply smile and wave at her. She stood her ground. She pointed out the elephant between them and her. She told them that she was not going to play the games and then turned and left.

Know what? In addressing the real issue that is between her and them, she felt free for the first time since she left. Fear rolled off her. She is a new person today. She is no longer slinking around. She is no longer afraid. She found freedom! I was so proud of her. To our knowledge, no one has had the guts to do what she did. Keep reading here.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

One of the things I wanted to do in sharing my story was to be honest about how I was doing as I journeyed forward. I didn't want to give the impression that I was totally over everything and that life was always easy. I wanted to be authentic. To share the good, the bad… even the ugly.

And looking back over my last couple of posts, I realised that some of the 'ugly' had leaked through. Maybe revisiting those emails from 'D' wasn't such a great idea. I think I got upset again at the injustice. And my words were perhaps a reflection of that.

I thought about re-writing them, but then realised that would be going against what I'd chosen to do. I want those who are walking away from abuse and into healing and freedom to understand that the journey has the odd bump in it sometimes. Even now, there are still times I struggle with the injustice, but I want you to know that the good days are far more numerous than the bad.

And anyway, it was kind of cathartic to say it as I felt it at the time.

And then walk away.

Smiling again.

But in case my point was missed, I'd like to reiterate that there are no magic words and that deep wounds do not just heal overnight (or in a single meeting). And that it just compounds the abuse to be judged and condemned if you dare to speak out about your pain.

Because that was exactly the expectation I faced. I had been urged to promise to forgive and never speak again of the abuse I had suffered.

And I did promise because I so desperately wanted things to be ok.

And after that the behaviour just got worse.

And worse.

And I so much want you to know that it's not ok to be abused and then told how you should feel or act.

And that it is ok to name abuse for what it is.

And to do what it takes to keep yourself safe.

And to learn to smile again.

Just like me :)

Spiritual Abuse Survivor Blogs Network

I have just discovered this network aimed at supporting and promoting the blogs of individual spiritual abuse survivors. I love that they "are working together toward a shared goal of increasing awareness of this issue of spiritual abuse – the control, the confusion, the devastation, our struggles, our triumphs, our survival and recovery." This stuff really needs to be out there!

You can find out more about Spiritual Abuse Survivor Blogs Network here.

This link will take you to the current list of blogs on the Network.

My Story - Part 5 - Abuse Survey

Late last year, I answered an online survey about spiritual abuse. I would like to share some of those questions and answers here, hoping it will give you a better picture of where I am up to in my journey.

How did you cope after making the decision to leave?

One day at a time! I talked a lot to a few safe people, debriefing, grieving, crying, venting my anger. I also started searching online to try and find help to heal and it was at that time I discovered that my experience was far from isolated. I read and researched everything I could find about abuse and what church was meant to look like anyway. As I have read the journeys and outcomes of other people’s experiences, I have gained new insights into my own.

Describe some of the positive and negative feelings which you experienced.

Positive: Initially I felt huge relief that I had removed myself from the bullying and abuse. There were moments of excitement at the freedom I was finding as I identified and jettisoned worthless ‘religious’ thoughts and practices.

Negative: Betrayal, loss, grief, loss, anger, frustration…

How did you process the various positive and negative feelings after you left?

Lots of talking, reading and processing and then sharing what I’d discovered. Then more talking.

Do you feel personally disillusioned with this church group?  Please describe.

Totally! These leaders were perfectly happy to see us leave the church wounded and broken. They have refused to deal with the issues and even now they will not meet with us, talk us and fail to even acknowledge our existence.

Beyond this, they are selling a lie – they say they have a better way to live, but when it comes down to it they cannot live by the standards they espouse.

Have you learned anything through your experience, and, if so, what?

So much! I’ve learned that the way we ‘do church’ is utterly bankrupt. It teaches most of us to be passive spectators while the ‘1st class Christians’ entertain us and tell us what to think and how to live.

I’ve also learned that there are text-book patterns to abuse. It’s like there’s a template of words and behaviours that occur regardless of the specific situation.

What advice would you give to others who find themselves in emotionally distressful or abusive spiritual contexts?

First and most important, you are not the problem! You are not to blame for the way someone else chooses to act, you are not “asking for it”. You are not just a trouble-maker, you are not going insane, you are not making things up. This is real – and it’s wrong!

Second, you have permission to keep yourself safe. You don’t owe the abuser anything, you do not need to make it safe for them. You don’t need to compromise or accept bullying, abusive, blaming behaviour towards you.

Number three, don’t let anyone push you into the ‘just forgive and move on’ lie. You need to take the time to work through your emotions and let God lead you through the stages of grief and healing. Just saying the ‘magic’ words means nothing, but there will be many ‘christians’ who want you to be ‘nice’ and not rock the boat.

In the midst of this, find 2 or 3 safe people with whom you can share and debrief. People who are willing to stand with you and protect you as you attempt to deal with things.

What have you found to be most helpful regarding your “spiritual recovery” from a negative church experience?  Basically, what types of help did you find both necessary and helpful to move you forward in Christ after your disillusioning church experience?  What worked for you?

a)  Someone to confide in                                       

Having a few loving, supportive friends to walk with was absolutely essential. Having their permission to talk honestly and openly - to be angry, grief-stricken, whatever I was feeling without being fed the horrible cliché of ‘just forgive and move on’.

b)  Comfort from certain Scripture passages                   

It really helped reading through the gospels and reminding myself how much Jesus was hated and persecuted by the religious leaders of His day.

d)  Participation on blogs

It wasn’t really so much about active participation, but often just reading other people’s stories, finding comfort, encouragement, wisdom in what was shared.

f)  Book(s)                             

Snakes in the Temple – David Orton

So You Don’t Want To Go To Church Anymore - Jake Colsen

He loves Me! The Relationship God Has Always Wanted With You - Wayne Jacobsen

The Naked Church - Wayne Jacobsen

This Is My Body: Ekklesia As God Intended - Keith Giles

Pagan Christianity – Frank Viola & George Barna

Reimagining Church – Frank Viola

g)  Other

Overarching everything was the fact that God was working in and through each circumstance, bringing me through the ‘valley of the shadow of death’. I lived by clinging to Him and being absolutely real with Him (and a few real ‘brothers and sisters’).

After this experience how was your view of God’s Word changed or affected?

I’ve become terribly wary of the word ‘biblical’. While I believe absolutely that the bible is the inspired word of God, I have also come to believe that there are very few ‘absolutes’ (eg Jesus was the son of God) and so much of what is preached as truth is just our imperfect interpretation of God’s living word.

I think we have superimposed our cultural understanding on the word of God and insisted that everyone subscribe to our way of thinking.

How would you describe your journey with Christ today?

Very real and very relational. I would also point out that it is a journey - I am not where I once was, nor am I yet where I will one day be. But here and now, this is where I am with “I AM”.

As you have reflected once again on these experiences, were you able to thank God for lessons learned and for new freedom in Christ that you have discovered?

Absolutely! J

From Religion To Real

Why am I sharing my story of spiritual abuse? What is my motivation for ‘going public’? The simplest answer is that I’ve received incredible encouragement and healing through reading other people's stories and it is time to give of myself in the hope of helping others. I wouldn’t have made it this far without the many blogs and articles I have read during the past 18 months. Stories that reassured me I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t wrong or bad or insane; that there really was hope that I would get through this betrayal which felt so much like death!

After being bullied out of the church where I was once an elder and ministry leader, I have spent months reading, questioning, exploring, changing and healing. I have not ‘arrived’! I am still journeying and will do so for the rest of my life, but I am ready to reach out and share with others some part of that journey, believing that someone out there might find here some measure of the healing and encouragement I did from others who were brave enough and who cared enough to share their stories.