One of the things I wanted to do in sharing my story was to be honest about how I was doing as I journeyed forward. I didn't want to give the impression that I was totally over everything and that life was always easy. I wanted to be authentic. To share the good, the bad… even the ugly.
And looking back over my last couple of posts, I realised that some of the 'ugly' had leaked through. Maybe revisiting those emails from 'D' wasn't such a great idea. I think I got upset again at the injustice. And my words were perhaps a reflection of that.
I thought about re-writing them, but then realised that would be going against what I'd chosen to do. I want those who are walking away from abuse and into healing and freedom to understand that the journey has the odd bump in it sometimes. Even now, there are still times I struggle with the injustice, but I want you to know that the good days are far more numerous than the bad.
And anyway, it was kind of cathartic to say it as I felt it at the time.
And then walk away.
But in case my point was missed, I'd like to reiterate that there are no magic words and that deep wounds do not just heal overnight (or in a single meeting). And that it just compounds the abuse to be judged and condemned if you dare to speak out about your pain.
Because that was exactly the expectation I faced. I had been urged to promise to forgive and never speak again of the abuse I had suffered.
And I did promise because I so desperately wanted things to be ok.
And after that the behaviour just got worse.
And I so much want you to know that it's not ok to be abused and then told how you should feel or act.
And that it is ok to name abuse for what it is.
And to do what it takes to keep yourself safe.
And to learn to smile again.
Just like me :)