When Christians Refuse to Follow Christ

"...if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and while there you remember that your brother has something [such as a grievance or legitimate complaint] against you, leave your offering there at the altar and go. First make peace with your brother, and then come and present your offering." - Jesus Christ

While this seems to be a fairly unambiguous instruction - which comes straight from the lips of the One christians profess to follow - I find it mind-boggling how often the exact opposite happens in christian circles. I'm particularly appalled by how many 'leaders' there are who refuse to engage with their brothers and sisters; who seem to have no interest in even listening to their 'siblings', let alone  making peace with them; and who continue to silence and shun those who voice their legitimate grievances.

I know there must be leaders out there who do deal with disagreement and discord - I have heard stories that they exist - but like unicorns and faeries, I have yet to encounter any of them myself. In fact, in the aftermath of the bullying and abuse I experienced at my ex-church, I asked a variety of people to sit down and talk things through, and yet none of the men who saw themselves as 'leaders' would do so.

And the couple at the centre of the power play consistently declined to meet with me unless it was with their pet "counsellor". (And as he had already told me that the church would collapse if this couple left it, I had my suspicions regarding his impartiality.) Three years later, when this couple attempted to take me to court, I offered professional mediation as an alternative way of dealing with things, but still they refused.

For some time, I thought that this behaviour was an aberration - that most christians took seriously Jesus' call to "leave your gift in front of the altar" and "go and be reconciled" with your brother or sister. Maybe there was just something in the water of this little church that led to such craven behaviour.

But then it happened in my "christian" workplace, too. As the office manager, I was dealing with a case of bullying amongst the staff when my boss suddenly stepped in and sidelined me, protecting the bully. Despite the testimony of several witnesses, this man decided to believe the lies of the bully and made several accusations against me based upon them. When I showed him proof that they were not true, he simply refused to acknowledge the evidence, and then ignored my repeated requests for a hearing on the matter.

Surely that was an unlucky co-incidence? Lightning might have struck twice in the same place, but...

...then, at the end of last year, it happened again! An incident at my son's 'christian' school exposed a situation which seriously disturbed both my husband and I. It led us to contact the principal whose behaviour and attitude we had found highly inappropriate. After it became clear that our email communication was not going to be fruitful, I offered to meet face-to-face in order to attempt some resolution of the matter. Apparently he appreciated the offer... but he was quite certain he understood us and therefore had no interest in pursuing my offer. (Of course, knowing what someone thinks and understanding why they do so, are worlds apart. But that's another story.) Once again it was a case of thanks, but no thanks.

Now, never let it be said that I don't profit by my experience! And I had reached the point where I'd actually come to expect this reaction, so I wasn't in the least bit surprised by it. And as experience has also taught me there's no point in pushing the issue, I didn't waste my breath any further. (I'm a great believer in letting people make their own choices in life.)

But that doesn't mean I think it's ok, or that I can respect it. And it sure doesn't mean I can reconcile it with those words of Jesus, who we each say we are following.

More importantly, what it does mean is that each time it happens, the credibility of christianity takes another blow, and it's most often from those who speak the loudest about their religion - and who lament the longest about how 'the world' won't take them seriously. But when people see us refuse to work through our disagreements, or deal with our discord, then I'd say they are wise to dismiss us. Until we can demonstrate we are not afraid to work through disputes, or contend for peace in the midst of conflict, we actually have nothing to offer. And I think it's about time we were honest with ourselves about that fact.

If You Can't Crucify, Why Not Shun?

The one thing about my experience of spiritual abuse that I still struggle to comprehend is the categoric refusal of some people to even acknowledge my existence, let alone sit down and discuss the issues between us.

I don't mean just my ex-friends who were so hell-bent on expunging me from their consciousness, that they resorted to legal action against me. (Luckily for me, the law works on evidence not allegations!)

No, I'm talking about my own brother who's cut off all communication with me; and my fellow elder who kept promising to meet me but then kept finding excuses not to; and the guy at my ex-church who wanted to talk to my husband about me but couldn't bring himself to talk to me.

I'm talking about the board members of my ex-church, and also my ex-boss, all of whom have chosen to ignore my requests to address the legitimate grievances I have shared with them.

I'm talking about the 'leaders' I've recently offered to meet with, to dialogue about our different perspectives, who won't even acknowledge my emails let alone have the courtesy to say, "Thanks, but no thanks".

I could understand one or two people simply lacking the courage to deal with difficult issues, but when you get one after another after another, you start to wonder what is going on. And then you start to realise it's actually a systemic failure as much as an individual one.

Now I suspect that there is a strong unacknowledged streak of patriarchal arrogance at play. I'm just a woman and they are men - God's favoured gender! How dare I not submit to their every dictate!

But I think there is more to it than that.

Then I started thinking about the way the Pharisees ran their religious show. They had all the answers. They had all the power and authority. The had all the people under their control.

And then Jesus came along, and upset their apple cart by asking unscripted questions, and failing to give the correct answers to their own pre-approved questions. He wouldn't play their games and he didn't kow-tow to their self importance. He sided with the weak and the broken and the powerless - all those the Pharisees considered unimportant, expendable. Worst of all, he declaimed their hypocrisy, denounced their self-righteousness, and decried the damage they did to God's people.

Just who did he think he was?

He was jeopardising their rightful rule because they had no come-back to the truth of his words. They were so accustomed to operating in undisputed power that they were unable to answer his challenge to their attitudes and behaviour, or to engage with his call for repentance. They objected to what he said, but they refused to address that with him. All they wanted was to silence this upstart.

They seemed to have no self-awareness and little capacity for self-reflection. They were right and he was wrong - and they were determined to silence him one way or another. If he wouldn't shut up they'd have to do something drastic.

And so... they killed him.

And it has finally occurred to me that this same attitude seems to be alive and well within the institutional church. I have experienced it and I continue to do so - as have (and do) thousands of others.

The attitude that says, "Touch not God's anointed!" The behaviour that refuses to acknowledge and address wrong, but simply shuns the victim instead.

Leaders who bully and abuse. Leaders who use their position for personal gain. Leaders who cover up child abuse in their midst. Leaders who build their own empire and like to play god. They all seem to have the same response to those who threaten to rock their boat.

Pulling off a crucifixion is a bit tricky these days. But it's easy to spread falsehoods. Simple to shun. If you can't kill off the trouble-maker, just pretend they don't exist. If you refuse to see them, and disdain to hear them, that's almost as good... isn't it?

I Found My Voice

They told me to speak up

and then silenced me

They told me to be bold

and then caged me

They told me to fly

and then clipped my wings

I was afraid

and ashamed 

and alone 

I was dying inside until I finally understood


They wanted me to speak up

and repeat their pre-approved words

They wanted me to be bold

in being their clone

They wanted me to fly

tied to their rope

And then

I found my voice

And I found my courage

And I flew away...

Link

When Controlling Behaviour Backfires

One of the first bloggers I started to follow after experiencing bullying and abuse in the institutional church was Julie Anne. She now writes a blog called Spiritual Sounding Board, but when she first started blogging, she could be be found here.

She wrote this about being sued by her ex-pastor:

"Days after the commencement of this blog, I received a legal summons suing me and three others for defamation to the tune of $500,000. The story of spiritual abuse needs to be told. People are being hurt emotionally and spiritually by pastors who use bully tactics and we need a place to learn, to talk freely, and to heal. I will not be silenced."

I was so grateful that she refused to be silenced, because it was people like Julie Anne who gave me hope after my world imploded around me. Blogs like hers reassured me that I was not evil, or insane, or "just bitter". And reading the stories of others helped me to understand that I was not to blame for the abuse I suffered at the hands of those who claimed to represent 'god'.

Now it's ironic, but many people would probably never have heard of Julie Anne's ex-pastor, Chuck O'Neal, if it were not for his actions in trying to shut down someone who was creating a safe place for victims of spiritual abuse. His attempts to dictate what could, and could not, be said or written - to control the narrative - backfired. People started reading and sharing Julie Anne's story as a direct result of Mr O'Neal's efforts to suppress it.

Whatever he thought he would achieve, Mr O'Neal's efforts to silence her, only called attention to Julie Anne's story.

Now, when someone tries so strenuously to suppress information that they end up achieving the exact opposite, its known as the "Streisand effect".

"The Streisand effect is the phenomenon whereby an attempt to hide, remove, or censor a piece of information has the unintended consequence of publicizing the information more widely, usually facilitated by the Internet.

It is named after American entertainer Barbra Streisand, whose 2003 attempt to suppress photographs of her residence in Malibu, California, inadvertently drew further public attention to it." - Wikipedia

Ironically, the photo was just one of 12,000 photographs taken to highlight the problem of erosion along the Californian coastline. In trying to suppress the photo, Ms Streisand only called attention to it, and her actions created the very problem she feared. The number of downloads of that particular photo jumped from 6 before her lawsuit, to an incredible 420,000 after it!

Attempts to maintain control over others rarely end well for anyone.

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I don't know what was going through the heart and mind of Mr O'Neal, when he decided to use the law against a fellow christian. I can't imagine why he thought his reputation was so precious and important that he chose to take such an adversarial approach to his 'problem'. But I just can't see Jesus using the threat of legal action to silence and intimidate his brothers and sisters. And if Jesus can't be seen in the actions of his people, then something is wrong.

So here's my thought for the New Year:

Let's stop worrying about 'looking good', and actually care about being 'good'.

Let's take seriously the example of Jesus. He couldn't have cared less about his own reputation. And couldn't have cared more for the people around him.

"... He had equal status with God but didn’t think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! ... He didn’t claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death..." Phil 2:5-8

Instead of loving his power, he demonstrated the power of his love.

Let's commit ourselves to doing the same!

"You're Just Bitter!"

How many times have christians used those words to shut down conversation?

To avoid genuine and meaningful interaction with a fellow believer?

To dismiss and deny valid grievances and justifiable anger?

How many christians have thrown those words into the face of their brother or sister in an attempt to keep themselves safe from having to evaluate their own behaviour - using accusations of bitterness as a talisman to ward off the pain of honest self-reflection.

Most times it's not even true - it's just an accusation to hide behind - a way to avoid engaging with some hard truth.

So what motivates men and women who claim to follow Jesus to protect themselves at all costs from owning their part in a conflict? Why would they rather attack and damn others than look in the mirror and take stock of what it reflects?

It certainly comes across as unbridled arrogance, but is there more to the story? Is there also a desperate fear that haunts those who employ such tactics?

If we could see behind the religious hubris, beneath the insolent self-righteousness, would we discover a frightened child, cowering as if from a blow, frantically lashing out at anyone who threatens to uncover their true state?

Or would it look more like the Wizard of Oz, fearfully fabricating his grand illusion of power and authority, whilst behind the curtain stands a man emotionally paralysed by the miserable awareness of his own inadequacy.

Hiding behind the illusion.

I actually don't know. Only God can see the heart. But I do know how it feels to be dismissed with such callous disregard. Like so many others, I have experienced the injustice of having my legitimate grievances expunged with the magic words, "You're just bitter."

When it happened at my ex-church I was devastated by it. I remember the pain and betrayal of trust. But since then I've done the hard yards, and I've learned to thrive in the liminal spaces I was pushed into. (Hence the title of my blog!)

And I've discovered that these days those words leave me feeling genuine pity. Because it seems to me that the person who needs to resort to protecting themselves in this way - shutting down conversation in order avoid even contemplating their own culpability - is not someone who knows the joy and freedom of life in Christ. And that is truly sad.

So do yourself a favour and stop using this dismissive accusation. Really, just stop! You are most likely hurting others by it, and you are quite definitely harming yourself. And who knows, you just might learn that to live with honesty - naked and unashamed - is actually the most liberating experience you'll ever have!

A Letter to Tony Jones

Dear Tony Jones,

nakedpastor.com

This morning I came across link to a letter from your lawyer telling your ex-wife, Julie McMahon, that she should remove any comments she may have made on the various social media sites which are mentioned in said letter. So I was very surprised to see this blog post I wrote and this one being listed in that letter.

Mine is a very minor blog in the scheme of things, and I'd be surprised if Julie is even aware of its existence. She has certainly never commented on it. So it puzzles me why my opinion pieces are even listed there. If there are no comments that need removing, why are my posts mentioned at all?

Some people might infer that you are trying to control the conversation regarding the experience of your erstwhile wife.

Some people might assume you want to expunge from the internet anything that refers to you in less than glowing terms.

Some people might even suspect that you are seeking to silence people who are protesting the silencing of people.

How ironic that would be!

I, myself, would never have even heard of you if it wasn't for the fact that the behaviour described in some of the posts I read sounded so familiar.

You see, I experienced bullying and abuse at the hands of 'church leaders'.

When I objected, they tried to silence me. When I said something was wrong with that, they tried to shut me down completely.

So I get a bit twitchy when I see people being silenced. And these days I say something about it.

Yours inconsequentially,
Living Liminal

The Deafness of Tony Jones & Friends

Why is it that Tony Jones & Friends seem to have adopted this pose?

giphy.com

Many people were disgusted when Rachel Held Evans, who had previously loudly denounced abuse of power, deleted multiple comments questioning her seeming support of Tony Jones. She assured everyone that she takes "abuse allegations very seriously" and that she'd made a "diligent investigation of this situation" (i.e. abuse claims by his ex-wife, Julie McMahon).

(Of course, some weeks later she did say, "I don’t want to overstate my knowledge of this situation... I have spoken with neither Tony nor Julie..."!?!)

And after writing a glowing review of Jones's latest book on her blog, Nadia Bolz Weber found that her husband had apparently accidentally deleted the 800 plus comments thread that had been generated there. Fortunately, they can still be found on Disqus ;)

Now Peter Rollins, who applauded the resistance against "ubiquitous, normalized violence operating in disavowed ways" in other contexts, has written a blog post which appears to be a defence of the abusive, narcissistic behaviour of Tony Jones.

And it seems he is joining the 'I'm Not Listening' club.

I left the following comment on his Facebook page:

I also tried to leave a comment on the blog itself, but it was failed (twice) in moderation. So I returned to Rollins' Facebook page and added it:

It lasted a whole minute before it was taken down, along with the original comment. As well as that, I  have been blocked from making any any further comments on his page.

So it would appear that this is standard behaviour for anyone (professionally) connected to Tony Jones. Avoid questions, delete comments, ignore the abuse.

I know what it is like to have to speak out about the toxic behaviour of people close to me. I know it seemed at the time that in doing so I'd lost everything that was important to me.

But I now realise that I had actually been set free!

I feel sorry for those people who are too afraid to hear the truth, let alone speak it. Their deafness is self-inflicted and they are enslaved - trapped in a cage of their own design.

When Minding Your Own Business Harms Others

izquotes.com

Another story of abuse, silencing and injustice is being uncovered across the blogosphere at the moment. 

It's a story that's been lived out, but mostly unwritten, for a number of years now. Then, a few months ago, the one who'd been silenced was given a 'voice'. 

And things started to hit the fan...

and bloggers started blogging...

and people with reputations to lose finally started to engage.

I've read a number of posts and opinions on this specific situation, and the same attitudes are being displayed this time as they were last time.

And the time before that.

And the time before that.

Good, well-intentioned, christian men and women are lamenting the fact that people are actually discussing the problem! "We don't know all the facts." "We should all just mind our own business."

A few years ago I might have said something similar. But not any more. Because I've learned that there is one very compelling reason not to stay silent.

Silence actually enables an abuser!

When we don't speak out, when we won't ask tough questions, when we decide to 'mind our own business', we effectively hand an abuser a free pass.

There is an ever-growing list of 'authority' figures in the church who bully and abuse those 'under' them. 

There are countless stories of damage inflicted by 'celebrity christians' who abuse their power and position to silence those who have neither.

Some of these situations have been on-going for years (some for decades!). And they have been covered up for just as long.

And that abuse and cover-up has been empowered by the silence of those who decided to 'mind their own business'.

The victims were left lying on the side of the road, bloodied and battered, while good men and women chose to mind their own business.

Now, finally, some of these situations are being addressed simply because enough 'nobodies' have spoken out and kept speaking out until they got a response.

It is all too apparent that sometimes the only way to 'motivate' those in power to actually investigate and address situations of abuse is to have a critical mass of people asking questions and raising the issues. 

And all it takes for the evil of spiritual abuse to thrive in our churches is for good men and women to mind their own business!

Contestability

Over the past couple of years I’ve read a lot of stories. Stories about 'the church', about abuse and pain and loss and grief, about leaving or being driven out, about healing, about rebuilding hope, about learning to trust again. And in every story I’ve read there comes a point in the narrative where the storyteller started to ask questions. For some it came early, for others late. But whenever it came, the questioning seemed to come for all.

And the time when the questions start marks a new phase in the journey. A new chapter in the story. Because when we start to ask questions we begin to engage differently with the reality we've known and accepted up to that point. Our perceptions change and the view becomes strangely unfamiliar. We start to grow. We begin to change.

In my own story, the questions came slowly at first. Like tentative steps into an unknown river which might carry me away to who knew where. But as I wrestled with them, became more confident in my uncertainty, I found myself being swept into a maelstrom of fear and rejection.

Don't question us. Don't rock the boat. Sit down. Shut up. SUBMIT!

But ironically, it was those very questions which then became a life-line as I painfully dragged myself out of the raging waters which threatened to drown me.

I have travelled a long way since then and one of the things that has kept me going is the freedom to examine and challenge the things I thought I once knew. Things I'd been taught by 'the church', things I'd been told were unquestionable, things I'd never before thought to doubt. Incontrovertible truths.

But that's the upside to betrayal!

When you've learned the hard way that some of those foundational things you've believed to be true have suddenly proved to be false, you start to wonder what other things might be too.

You'd believed. You'd trusted the whole weight of your soul to those foundations. And you'd found them to be rotten right through.

And you'd started to question. And you were silenced. By friends. By family. By 'the church'.

And then, in a miracle of desperation, you learned that God was not afraid of your questions.

And you realised that a religion that was so fragile that it crumbled under the weight of a single question was not one you had time for.

And you grieved that you'd bought into an institution so afraid of being examined it was willing to engage in human sacrifice.

And you walked away heartbroken.

And you knew that you'd learned something important. A life-long lesson. That the things worth believing, things solid enough to trust in, are always contestable.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

One of the things I wanted to do in sharing my story was to be honest about how I was doing as I journeyed forward. I didn't want to give the impression that I was totally over everything and that life was always easy. I wanted to be authentic. To share the good, the bad… even the ugly.

And looking back over my last couple of posts, I realised that some of the 'ugly' had leaked through. Maybe revisiting those emails from 'D' wasn't such a great idea. I think I got upset again at the injustice. And my words were perhaps a reflection of that.

I thought about re-writing them, but then realised that would be going against what I'd chosen to do. I want those who are walking away from abuse and into healing and freedom to understand that the journey has the odd bump in it sometimes. Even now, there are still times I struggle with the injustice, but I want you to know that the good days are far more numerous than the bad.

And anyway, it was kind of cathartic to say it as I felt it at the time.

And then walk away.

Smiling again.

But in case my point was missed, I'd like to reiterate that there are no magic words and that deep wounds do not just heal overnight (or in a single meeting). And that it just compounds the abuse to be judged and condemned if you dare to speak out about your pain.

Because that was exactly the expectation I faced. I had been urged to promise to forgive and never speak again of the abuse I had suffered.

And I did promise because I so desperately wanted things to be ok.

And after that the behaviour just got worse.

And worse.

And I so much want you to know that it's not ok to be abused and then told how you should feel or act.

And that it is ok to name abuse for what it is.

And to do what it takes to keep yourself safe.

And to learn to smile again.

Just like me :)

Silencing is Abuse

In my last post I talked about finding two common themes running through the email communication I'd received from one of the board members of my old church. The first was what I call magic words syndrome where people act as if there's some sort of magic in using words like "I'm sorry" which means that all the damage is mysteriously gone and there is no need to actually address any of the emotional or relational devastation that has been inflicted.

SILENCED!

The second approach was the insistence that I was supposed to never, ever talk about my pain again. It is closely tied to the first idea because if things have been dealt with by the 'magic' then there's nothing more to be done or said, is there!? But the message in the emails was: We've let you whine (and probably lie) to us and validated you by saying we understand this is what you believe to be true ("we accept this is your reality"), you've spoken the magic words, now just shut up and stop talking about it.

In what was for me one last, desperate attempt to find some way beyond the abuse, I had urged 'D' to meet with us and (I believed) he had finally been convinced of the damage he had done to me. ("I spend half my time counselling those who've been abused by the church, I never thought I'd be the one guilty of the abuse!")*

At the end of that meeting we parted having made what I then believed was a first step towards beginning the process of reconciliation. However, when I wrote to him asking what he thought was the next step in moving forward, it seemed he had an absolute melt-down. He wrote to me, "you cannot even imagine the shock, the grief, the sadness and the shear (sic) frustration that hit me, when you broke the power of our reconciliation, instigated by Jesus. You continued with your accusations towards me of bullying and abuse which I have never owned and never will own."

He was now not only denying he'd admitted to abusing me, but also made it clear that he'd only asked forgiveness from God, but not me, because it was like when King David said to God in Psalm 51 "Against you and only you have I sinned." (Seriously! How does that even work!?)

I'd written suggesting that there had been a great deal of devastation caused, in part because of his own actions, and where did he think would be a good place to start rectifying it. (Just one of the devastating effects is being cut off from all relationship by my younger brother and his family because he relied on D's judgement against me.) But instead of viewing our meeting as a starting point in reconciliation, D had viewed it as an end of the matter and was furious that I thought he had anything to deal with. But what was (apparently) even worse was the fact that I had dared to tell anyone about our meeting. He had "felt [it] was sacred and private between us" and how dare I actually tell anyone that he'd admitted any wrong doing towards me! I was obviously being manipulating and trying to create further division!

My purpose in sharing all of this is to shine a spotlight on this type of behaviour so that others might more easily recognise it for what it is. If you are fortunate enough to have the abuser admit the truth in private, they then deny it if you try to bring that into a more public sphere. They refuse to take responsibility for the results of their actions and attitudes, and think that by saying "sorry" everything is made right again. They then further abuse the victim by shutting down any further conversation on the subject and attacking the victim anew if they try some other avenue for dealing with their pain, accusing the victim of gossip, slander and creating division.

When you have been damaged to the point of wishing you were dead, a simple sorry just doesn't cut it. To be berated and attacked because "sorry" doesn't just make everything better for you is really not ok! You have every right to expect issues to be dealt with and reparation made. It is appropriate that what was done in public (or had public repercussions) be addressed in public, with complete honesty and transparency. No-one has the right to silence you, and it is highly manipulative to use the accusation that you are "damaging unity" or "creating division within the body". Please understand, you do not have to submit to this sort of abuse from anyone! Ever.

* These were the words spoken by D at that meeting. He subsequently denied them. I only wish I'd been recording our conversation!