Truth, Love, And The Australian Plebiscite

Dear Lyle,

As we Australians find ourselves living with the unhappy consequences of the push for a plebiscite, I couldn't help but notice your recent, impassioned plea to "let truth be spoken in love".

It's a really great sentiment, but as I read the letter you addressed to your "friends in the LGBTIQ community" it seemed to me that you might be having some trouble putting that into action.

I'm not sure that anyone has told you this, but creating a long list of the sins of your opponents, and then implying that you are better than they are because you don't act like them, is not really likely to make anyone feel loved.

You see, I know what it's like to have someone tell me about all the wrong, bad, nasty things they think I've done, and then tell me that they love me. It didn't actually make me feel loved. In fact, I didn't believe they loved me at all. (And even if they'd told me that they meant it with all their heart, their protestations of love would have remained meaningless words to me.)

So I thought I might offer you my valuable experience to help you convey your message of love. Please find attached my suggested alternative to your current offering.

Yours sincerely,

An Australian Christian.

To the LGBTIQ community, 

I know I have no right to call you friends, because you have made it clear my sincere attempts to be friendly have completely failed. I am sorry about that, and I want you to know I hope to do better in the future. Would you be willing to forgive me, and help me learn how to really be your friend? 

I know I can't compel you to comply with my way of thinking, but I'm hoping that taking the risk of sharing my heart, and showing my good will by owning my own failings, might help to repair the bridges between us that have been all but destroyed. 

So to begin, there's this ancient collection of books I read quite a lot, called the bible. (I suspect you've heard me mention it once or twice!) I know there's a bunch of other people who read this book too. Like them, I am on a journey of understanding it, but the way I currently understand what this text says is the only way I can at the moment. (Please bear with me, I'm a work in progress, just like you.) 

I know that none of us can claim to have the "correct" interpretation of what it says, but sometimes we forget that. Mostly we do try to hold on to our "truth" with humility and express it with love. (We often fail in that, but we do try.) 

Anyway, my current understanding of this religious text means I am unable to agree that SSM would be good for our society. I know you want me to, but I just can't do it. If I'm being honest, I'd really prefer you saw things the way I do, because I believe that God sees it that way too. But I guess that's not likely to happen, is it? 

So I can only suggest that we try to learn how to disagree without demonising each other. I know I've been guilty of that, but I really do want to change. To prove that to you, I'm going to stop telling everyone that you have a secret agenda to corrupt our children. (I must admit, it's only just occurred to me how much I'd hate it if you went around saying we had a "religious agenda", and acted like we were really trying to pervert your children. Wow! Sorry about that!) 

And I'm sorry that my words and actions have inadvertently sent you the message that you are somehow a lesser human being than me. The bible says that everyone is made in the image of God - so in future, I'll try to do better at seeing the image of my God in you. 

It also seems that I've been so busy talking about protecting children from you and your friends, that I've failed to see how hypocritical I must sound to you. When there is so much awful history in my religion of children suffering unspeakable abuse at the hands of its leaders, my apparent silence on that topic is indefensible. 

I've know I've complained a lot about the really disrespectful behaviour I've been subjected to by people from 'your side' - and implied that you are all the same - but I don't think I've ever acknowledged there has been some incredibly unloving behaviour from our 'side' too. That was wrong of me. I'm sorry. I don't like being judged by the horrible behaviour of some of my supporters, so I promise I'll stop doing that to you, too. 

I can't change what I sincerely believe, and I know you shouldn't have to either. So do you think we can learn how to do this better? I'd really like to try.

Hoping to show more love with my truth in future, Lyle. 

 

 

When Church Leaders Act Like... Christians!

The good news:

Matt Chandler & TVC apologised for subjecting Karen Hinkley to 'church discipline'.

The bad news:

It took so much blood, sweat and tears (& bad publicity) to achieve this result.

The worst news:

Everyone is taken by surprise by a church leader acting with humility and compassion.

cliparts.co

As one reader commented:

"Here is a guy teaching them about Jesus week after week (and the leaders set themselves up as specially annointed to lead) and when something like this goes public people are thrilled when they FINALLY, after so much publicity, act in a Christian manner."

Empty Apologies from 'Leaders'

One evening, in the midst of all the crap that was happening at church, I was driving to our elders meeting and thinking that if elder J wanted pre-eminence so badly that he was prepared to tear us all apart to achieve it, then I'd just quit and let him have what he wanted.

Imagine my surprise when, early on in the proceedings, J said that he wanted to apologise for 'overstepping his authority". I was dumbfounded. Was it possible that he was really acknowledging the damage he was doing in the name of his own ambition? Had he really repented?

Well my hope was short-lived to say the least.

No, apparently he was just doing what he'd been told to by board member M. There was no sincerity in his 'apology' at all, and it soon became apparent that neither of them thought J had done anything wrong - they were just hoping that if an apology was issued, it would shut us up.

Worse, they then played the, "we've apologised" card which meant that any further protest regarding J's behaviour simply showed how 'unforgiving' we were.

Some time later, after being told how much time J and his wife had had to spend dealing with the "words of iniquity" which he said had been spoken over them, I asked if he'd dealt with any of the 'words' he and his wife had spoken. He just yelled at me angrily about "praying mercy" for the elders. (Whatever that was supposed to mean.)

The same thing happened when board member D 'apologised' to me months later. In his book it was a done deal, so when I asked him how he was going to try and make amends for the consequences of his behaviour, he accused me of abusing him.

The tragedy is that this seems to be a standard play in the 'christian leaders' rulebook. Say some things that include the word 'sorry', maybe talk of 'lessons learned', and off you go - free to continue in exactly the same way you did before.

In the past few weeks alone, there have been ample opportunities to observe this phenomena at work in the western church. My question is, "How many times do we need to see this before we understand!?"

Saying sorry means nothing unless your behaviour changes. This goes for all of us, but for 'leaders', aren't they supposed to be... well... leading in this?

Yes, there is grace.

Yes, there is forgiveness.

But no, that doesn't mean abusive, controlling leaders should continue to be 'in ministry' when there is no evidence of actual repentance! (And it's highly inappropriate that they be given a standing ovation for saying they forgive the very people they've abused!)

I know I've written on this topic before, but when a reviled tax-collector knows more about what repentance looks like than those who claim to be in charge of God's church, then something is seriously wrong!

Quick-Fix 'Repentance'

In his article, "Three signs of repentance every church leader should learn", Dr Phil Monroe addresses the question, "How do you know when an abusive person is adequately repentant, and therefore, capable of providing a safe environment for others to live in?"

"The answer," he says, "is found in the fruit they produce."

I would have thought this was fairly obvious, and yet I was castigated by a 'church leader' for asking to see fruit which lined up with the words he had spoken to me.

Several months after we'd left our church I asked board member D if he'd be prepared to meet with me. I was really hoping that we might be able to restore some measure of relationship between us.

Things were very strained between us as we met, but I really did want to restore relationship with this man and his wife, so I kept persisting - repeating the fact that the behaviour I'd experienced from him was, indeed, abusive. For some time it seemed we would get nowhere with the discussion. So when he suddenly looked at me in horror and said, "I spend half my time counselling people who've been abused by the church. I never thought I'd be the one to abuse", I was astounded, to say the least!

I looked at my husband to make sure he'd heard the same words I had, and sure enough, he was looking as stunned as I felt.

After that meeting, assuming that what had occurred was the starting point of a journey of restoration, I wrote to my brother. As he had told me he based his judgement against me on board member D's words, I wanted to ask him if D's current words made any difference.

Well, that was a mistake! According to D, I'd violated a private and sacred work of reconciliation by sharing what he'd said... or even that we had met at all. On top of that, he now claimed he'd never spoken those words, and he denied any responsibility for other people's actions - even when those actions were taken because of things he'd openly said (and preached) about me.

The icing on the cake was when he claimed that by saying his actions had had some pretty ugly consequences in the church, I was abusing him!

Now, this was my personal experience, but I see the same thing being played out by leaders and their followers all the time. The leader says a 'sorry' of sorts but never actually owns what he's done wrong. He makes no attempt to rectify the situation and there is no change in his attitudes or behaviour. He just keeps rolling on with his 'ministry', acting oh-so-wounded if anyone questions this, and playing the victim of the piece. And his loyal subjects defend him by attacking anyone who voices any concerns about this - condemning the very people who are, more often than not, the real victims.

Just look at the reaction when a petition was started asking that Mark Driscoll not be given any sort of platform at the 2015 Hillsong conference. There have been plenty of calls for grace and mercy and forgiveness from his supporters, but no recognition of the lives he's devastated, and certainly no suggestion that MD should produce fruit in keeping with his 'repentance'. The strong message is that he's said the word "sorry", and now he should just be allowed to get back to what he was doing before. Despite the fact that, by his own admission, there's at least a pile of dead bodies, if not a mountain, under the Mars Hill bus.

Grace and mercy and forgiveness are good and appropriate responses to sin, but they do not negate the need to see the fruit which comes from true repentance, especially where the offender has used his power and authority to abuse a fellow human. If you have been in an abusive relationship of any sort, and your abuser uses the word "sorry", please know that it is entirely reasonable to expect proof of that 'repentance'!

Just Get Over It!

Rotten ecards

Imagine you were part of a circle of friends, many of whom you'd known for a long time. You are close, you often spend time together in each other's company. Everyone tells you how much they love you and value you. You feel happy and accepted.

Now imagine that things start to change. In subtle, and not-so-subtle, ways you start to feel pressured to conform to expectations you never agreed to. To comply with other people's dictates. Eventually, things become more overt and these friends start to slap you around.

You object.

You might even fight back.

But they club together. And one day, they gang up and beat you up so badly that you can't even get back on your feet. Bones are broken. Flesh is bruised.

You plead for justice. For your wounds to be tended. For them to love you once again.

And they turn and say, "Oh, we're sorry that you feel hurt."

You look at them incredulously.

They continue, "We've said sorry and we feel ok now. We've moved on. You need to do the same. Just forgive us and get over it."

You protest.

So they turn away. They can't be around someone so bitter and unforgiving!

Does this sound at all familiar? Have you experienced this type of behaviour?

I ask this because something I read the other day reminded me that this was what happened to me. I came across across this article in a Newsletter written by Leslie Vernick. The context is domestic abuse, but the principle applies to any type of abusive situation.

After having said, “I’m sorry” often the destructive spouse believes he or she is now entitled to amnesty, forgiveness, and full restoration of marital privileges without ever having to make amends, suffer long-term consequences, or work hard to repair and rebuild trust. Sometimes we collude with such unrealistic and unbiblical thinking pressuring the injured spouse to forgive and reconcile. 

But if she’s not yet ready, or refuses to grant amnesty, or restore full marital privileges until she sees evidence of repentance, we often start to label her as ungracious, ungodly, rebellious, and hard-hearted. Instead of being supported and validated for the pain she’s in, she now feels pressured, scolded, shamed or scared for her “unbiblical” stand or refusal to fully reconcile.

Thank God, I'm in a much better place these days!

But what if you're not? What if you are being pressured to forgive and move on - to "just get over it"?

If that is where you are, I want to share the truth with you.

It is not unforgiving to refuse to trust someone who has betrayed your trust. You are not being bitter if you insist that words are meaningless without the actions to back them up.

You are not ungodly or unrighteous if you hold out for evidence of repentance! You are WISE!

Rotten ecards

Silencing is Abuse

In my last post I talked about finding two common themes running through the email communication I'd received from one of the board members of my old church. The first was what I call magic words syndrome where people act as if there's some sort of magic in using words like "I'm sorry" which means that all the damage is mysteriously gone and there is no need to actually address any of the emotional or relational devastation that has been inflicted.

SILENCED!

The second approach was the insistence that I was supposed to never, ever talk about my pain again. It is closely tied to the first idea because if things have been dealt with by the 'magic' then there's nothing more to be done or said, is there!? But the message in the emails was: We've let you whine (and probably lie) to us and validated you by saying we understand this is what you believe to be true ("we accept this is your reality"), you've spoken the magic words, now just shut up and stop talking about it.

In what was for me one last, desperate attempt to find some way beyond the abuse, I had urged 'D' to meet with us and (I believed) he had finally been convinced of the damage he had done to me. ("I spend half my time counselling those who've been abused by the church, I never thought I'd be the one guilty of the abuse!")*

At the end of that meeting we parted having made what I then believed was a first step towards beginning the process of reconciliation. However, when I wrote to him asking what he thought was the next step in moving forward, it seemed he had an absolute melt-down. He wrote to me, "you cannot even imagine the shock, the grief, the sadness and the shear (sic) frustration that hit me, when you broke the power of our reconciliation, instigated by Jesus. You continued with your accusations towards me of bullying and abuse which I have never owned and never will own."

He was now not only denying he'd admitted to abusing me, but also made it clear that he'd only asked forgiveness from God, but not me, because it was like when King David said to God in Psalm 51 "Against you and only you have I sinned." (Seriously! How does that even work!?)

I'd written suggesting that there had been a great deal of devastation caused, in part because of his own actions, and where did he think would be a good place to start rectifying it. (Just one of the devastating effects is being cut off from all relationship by my younger brother and his family because he relied on D's judgement against me.) But instead of viewing our meeting as a starting point in reconciliation, D had viewed it as an end of the matter and was furious that I thought he had anything to deal with. But what was (apparently) even worse was the fact that I had dared to tell anyone about our meeting. He had "felt [it] was sacred and private between us" and how dare I actually tell anyone that he'd admitted any wrong doing towards me! I was obviously being manipulating and trying to create further division!

My purpose in sharing all of this is to shine a spotlight on this type of behaviour so that others might more easily recognise it for what it is. If you are fortunate enough to have the abuser admit the truth in private, they then deny it if you try to bring that into a more public sphere. They refuse to take responsibility for the results of their actions and attitudes, and think that by saying "sorry" everything is made right again. They then further abuse the victim by shutting down any further conversation on the subject and attacking the victim anew if they try some other avenue for dealing with their pain, accusing the victim of gossip, slander and creating division.

When you have been damaged to the point of wishing you were dead, a simple sorry just doesn't cut it. To be berated and attacked because "sorry" doesn't just make everything better for you is really not ok! You have every right to expect issues to be dealt with and reparation made. It is appropriate that what was done in public (or had public repercussions) be addressed in public, with complete honesty and transparency. No-one has the right to silence you, and it is highly manipulative to use the accusation that you are "damaging unity" or "creating division within the body". Please understand, you do not have to submit to this sort of abuse from anyone! Ever.

* These were the words spoken by D at that meeting. He subsequently denied them. I only wish I'd been recording our conversation!

A Better Way to Say Sorry

By joellen @ cuppacocoa (This is not just for kids - there are many adults who could use this advice, too!)

“Say sorry to your brother.”

“But he’s the one who–”

“Say it!” you insist, an edge of warning in your voice.

He huffs, rolls his eyes to the side and says flatly, “Sorry.”

“Say it like you mean it,” you demand.

“Sorrrrry,” he repeats, dragging out the word slowly with bulging eyes and dripping insincerity.

You sigh in defeat and turn to #2, “Now tell him you forgive him.”

“But he doesn’t even mean it!”

“Just say it!”

“iforgiveyou…” he mutters, looking down to the side dejectedly.

“Now be nice to each other.”

Harumphy silence. Keep reading here...