The Elephants In The Church

In a recent interview with Christianity Today*, Rachael Denhollander (a survivor of Larry Nassar's horrific reign of abuse) pointed directly at the elephant in the room and clearly named it. The elephant is, of course, the truth that the church is not a safe place to look for help when dealing with abuse. In fact she said it is actually one of the worst places to seek help!

But she wasn't finished. She then looked slightly to the right of this animal and identified it's twin brother - the vilification and shunning of those who dare to expose abuse within the church.

Photo credit

She was under no illusions that the support she had received from evangelical christians in exposing Larry Nassar's abuse was very much tied to the fact that he was regarded as "other" - an outsider and therefore fair game. Evangelicals of all sorts claimed her as their own and held her up as a sterling example of 'christian' courage and forgiveness. Yet when she addressed the issue of the cover-up and enabling of child sex abuse in the church, she was suddenly "mistaken" and making "false accusation[s]". Her own abuse was used as a weapon against her - because she was so wounded, she was seeing things that just weren't there!

But she is intelligent, articulate, and - despite being labelled, judged, and shunned - she is refusing to sit down and shut up. She is standing her ground. And she is pushing back! 

She is pushing back against an institution which, on the one hand, is well-known for advising victims of abuse to simply "forgive and move on", or suck it up for the sake of appearances or even submit to their abuser's supposed "God-given authority"; and which on the other, has a long history of silencing, shunning, and further abusing those who attempt to expose this evil in its midst.

Of course the irony is that this same institution has habitually held itself up as both model and arbiter of all that is righteous and pure in the world. It has regularly condemned "sinners", railed against "the world" and pursued power to enforce its own moral code. And in doing so, it has far too often achieved nothing but to drive people away from the One who came, not to judge and condemn, but to prove his outrageous love. The One who put power aside - consistently rejecting its allure - and cared so little about his own reputation that the religious leaders ruled him unfit to represent their god.

So maybe it's time for a new plan - one that looks a whole lot more like Jesus. And maybe that needs to start with acknowledging those elephants are there; admitting that we invited them in; and cleaning up those stinking piles of their dung!

* I highly recommend you click through and read it!

Sherlock Holmes And The Institutional Church

IMDB

Last night I watched the 2015 movie, Mr Holmes. It's a beautiful film which recounts the poignant story of the last years of the life of the world-famous (fictional) detective, Sherlock Holmes. At the age of 93, with his memory failing, he is desperately trying to remember the details of his last case. As the story unfolds, we learn that it was this case which caused him to retire from public life, and withdraw from London to settle in a quiet village on the Sussex coast, where he tends the bees in his apiary.

Eventually, it becomes clear that his handling of that final investigation resulted in the suicide of his client's wife, and he is driven to acknowledge that his intellectual genius is not enough for life. For all his amazing powers of observation and his near miraculous deductive reasoning, he lacks compassion - connection with the humanity of the lives around him.

But it is only when he faces the possible loss of his housekeeper's son - a young boy with whom he has formed a deep bond - that his life finally comes into focus for him and he reaches out to another human soul.

As I reflected on the way the film exposed the incapacity of Holmes' emotional life, I saw a parallel with my experience of the institutional church. Where the detective had his intellect and reasoning, the institution had its cold morality and ceaseless performance. Holmes' raison d'être was solving mysteries in life, but he failed to ever experience the mystery of life. The church's driving passion of compliance and rule-keeping was seen as proof of devotion to God, yet it failed to comprehend the mystical, transformation wrought by the Spirit of God.

Both were concerned with a dispassionate observation of human life - the way things presented to the eye - while maintaining a safe distance from the messy reality of the human heart. Both held at bay any danger of intimate connection or the exposure of their own vulnerability.

And in doing so, both have damaged the lives of those around them - sometimes leading to the death, whether physical or metaphorical, of those lives. For Holmes, the crisis leads to an acknowledgement of his 'sins' and failings. He 'confesses' to his housekeeper:

"There was a woman, once. I knew her less than a day. A quarter of an hour's conversation. She needed my help. She needed so desperately to be understood by someone... Me. So, I laid out the particulars of her case as I saw them... To her satisfaction, I thought. I watched her walk away. And within hours she'd ended her life. By identifying the cause of her despair with such clarity, I'd given her carte blanche to do just as she intended. I should've done whatever it took to save her. Lie to her, make up a story. Take her by the hand and hold her as she wept, and said, "Come live with me. "Let us be alone together." But I was fearful. Selfish. She's the reason I came here to my bees, so that I couldn't harm anyone ever again."

While it was not his intention to harm this woman, his choice to remain detached and dispassionate - to stick to "the facts" - nevertheless contributed to her despair-driven death. Likewise, the church has been culpable in harming countless souls who were offered "the truth" instead of love and connection in the midst of their desperation.

But unlike the church that I have encountered, Holmes does own his failure. He does care that he simply watched this woman walk away to her death. He does acknowledge that his "help" was worthless in the face of her distress. He does, in fact, repent.

The illustrious Sherlock Holmes humbles himself and acknowledges that facts, even when "true", will never meet the very real need for compassion and care in our lives. His eyes are opened to a greater necessity than "the truth" in life, and he allows this understanding to change him. 

In the closing scene, we glimpse his developing relationship with one who he had previously viewed as simply an employee. He has finally started to see the human behind the role; comprehending her capacity to feel and connect, despite the loss and pain she has known. We also witness his homage to the ghosts of his past - people with whom he failed to connect, but whose unacknowledged (and unreciprocated) love and care for him were vital to his well-being. And he finally recognises and honours the worth of their imperfect, irrational love for him.

And as I ponder this transformation in the great detective, I can't help but wonder if the 'church' will ever use a crisis in its own life to such good effect.

Is This Love?

I read a heart-breaking blog post today about a child who reached out for love and understanding from the church, and who was offered judgement and condemnation in their stead. As I was reading, the following words leaped out at me:

“If we want to understand what it means to love, we need to be looking to Christ, and taking notice of those he drew to himself and the way in which he drew them. The way in which we ourselves were drawn.”

Those words raised an important question in my mind: How many people in the church actually have been 'drawn to Jesus' because of his outrageous, totally unconditional love?

pinterest.com

And how many have merely “made a decision for Christ” because they were told that unless they did, they would spend eternity being tortured in hell?

How many simply muttered "the sinner's prayer" like an incantation as insurance against being condemned to an unending punishment, having been assured that the “wrath of God” can be assuaged by nothing less?

And it occurred to me that maybe this is the heart of the problem. That we are unable to love like Jesus loved, because we have never actually received that love ourselves.

I know growing up in the church, this was my experience.

I was told that God loved me. But the proof I was offered was that he slaughtered his own son in order to "pay the debt" I owed him for being born such a miserable sinner. (Even though being born at all was his idea, not mine.)

I was told that Jesus loved me. They said he'd proved it by "taking my place" and getting tortured and killed instead of me. So I kind of owed him. And that meant I had to be on my best behaviour for the rest of my life (a life which he now owned by the way) to somehow make it up to him or something.

So I said a prayer which, I was told, guaranteed me my very own "get-out-of-hell-free" card.

The trouble is, in all of this I hadn't been drawn to Jesus because he loved me. I'd been compelled to say a prayer because I was so scared of what I was told would happen if I didn't.

So I spent years "being a christian" and "going to church", while the love I knew about in theory remained just that. Theoretical. And because of that - because what I'd received was shame and fear, not love - that was all I had to offer others.

All I had to share was the message of how bad I had been until Jesus "took my punishment", and how bad others were until they accepted the same offer and then lived up to the conditions written in small print in the contract. And those conditions seemed to consist mostly of avoiding the list of sins that the church had cherry-picked out of the bible as being really too bad to forgive without a lot of grovelling and recanting, and a little bit of self-flagellation thrown in for good measure.

(Although, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure some of those "sins" were just made up to make sure we didn't have any fun, and had nothing to do with the bible at all! However, I digress...)

The point is, it is a sad reality that far too many people in the church today would swear blind that they are motivated purely by the love of God, but are really only offering shame and fear and sin-management to those around them. What is even sadder, is that they seem to have genuinely mistaken this for love!

Submit, Or Else...

This morning, a Facebook memory alerted me to the fact that this time 5 years ago I had just attended my last meeting as an elder of my ex-church. After months of conflict and stress over leadership issues, I had been told that a fellow elder (and his wife) were now seen as the leaders of the church by the church's board, and that if I felt "uncomfortable" with that, I should "consider stepping down" from leadership.

I was convinced that I would be given no peace until I either bowed down to this man, or I resigned. And having already had a taste of the board's highly partisan approach, I knew that I would be treated as a problem - an undesirable - until I complied one way or the other.

Although I can now read the minutes of that meeting perfectly dispassionately, I haven't forgotten how traumatised I was at the time. Time, and the effort I have put into healing, have combined to give me a quite different perspective on the events of that whole year but I do remember, both in the lead up to my resignation, and the devastating aftermath, how many times my thoughts bordered on the suicidal.

But quite apart from Facebook's reminder of its timing, this week I have been thinking about that meeting for another reason. Because the second instalment of an investigation into domestic violence and religion by journalist Julia Baird aired recently. And the same man who sat and delivered the 'submit or resign' message to me at that meeting, responded with the following tweet - apparently absolving the church of any responsibility for the use, or misuse, of its teachings on submission.

Entitled 'Submit to your husbands': Women told to endure domestic violence in the name of God, the report suggested that "the men most likely to abuse their wives are evangelical Christians who attend church sporadically." It includes stories from women who have not only been abused by husbands claiming a mandate from God to do so, but who have also had church leaders fail in their duty of care towards them.

And it appears that the man who once told me that I had "a problem submitting to authority" is now denying the lived experience of countless women who have suffered abuse at the hands of husbands claiming the church's teaching on 'wifely submission' as their justification - women who have been told, as they were being beaten physically or emotionally, that God demands they submit to their husbands. I wonder if he believes they have a problem submitting to authority, too?

According to an article on the ABC News website, this man "said he was "perplexed" by the [...] report which found some church ministers are encouraging victims of domestic violence to remain in violent relationships and "submit" to abuse." He claims he's "never met a leader who supports that proposition" yet he himself happily told me to "submit" to a man whose behaviour had already led to the resignation of one fellow elder, and which had left me struggling with both physical and emotional health problems. The inconsistency and contradiction between these two positions takes my breath away!

So I am writing to add my voice to the growing chorus of those choosing to expose the abuse inherent in a system which selectively calls for the submission of wives to husbands, while ignoring the preceding call for mutual submission between the two. 

I am also questioning the credibility of anyone who, on the one hand apparently denies that any "christian leader" would encourage a woman to simply submit in an abusive marriage relationship, yet who seems to find nothing wrong with insisting that a woman (an elder of the church) should submit in another type of relationship where the "testimony of two witnesses" revealed that bullying and coercion had been at play.

And in doing so I am asking the question: if this dissenting voice is so lacking in credibility, how many other "church leaders" are dismissing or protesting the work of Julia Baird while at the same time enabling, concealing (or even engaging in!) abuse in the church, conveniently justifying and excusing it under the doctrine of "godly submission"?

Questioning Kris (Touch Not God's Anointed)

There seems to be an incredible amount of drama coming from certain christian circles these days. Not so long ago, a group of church-goers almost broke the internet over the 'scandal' of a woman breast-feeding in church.

Now a new catastrophe has been unleashed, with the publication of an open letter from a graduate of Bethel's School of Supernatural Ministry. This graduate has had the temerity to challenge the church over its behaviour and attitude towards LGBT christians in its midst. It would appear that some people can't deal with the outrage of the words of their idols celebrity pastors being questioned. Touch not God's anointed and all that...

I noticed that one Bethel "pastor" posted this in response (making me wonder if he actually read the original letter):

Although one of his followers described it as "bold, clever and uncompromised" I, in fact, don't believe it stands up to much scrutiny.

"I cannot believe the arrogance of 2 Lgbt women who say they are Christian, who just wrote an article against Bethel." [emphasis added]

Disregarding the accusations of arrogance... isn't implying you believe someone else isn't a "real" christian just a bit... well... arrogant?

Regardless, it seems to me that the real cause of Ben's anger is the fact that someone has dared to challenge Bethel and its leaders - thus touching the sacred cow.

"It's absolutely shameful to even challenge people who love and honor so well."  [emphasis added]

Hmmm... if they "love and honor so well" why is this woman saying she feels unloved and dishonoured? "What I see coming from Bethel in this area is not respectful or honoring."

"Who are you to question the God of the universe and His words that have been there from the ages."

Is the issue really about questioning God? Or is it questioning the "man of God" that really gets Ben riled? Because the God I know has never been afraid of being questioned.

"I had a period in my teens where I had a same sex attraction, but God delivered me from it, and I never struggled again."

Simple as that. Magic. And everyone should be like Ben, because his experience trumps their's!

"And as for bethel, my life was changed there. I had huge issues and was nothing but embraced and I know for a fact you both were too."

Again, Ben's experience trumps that of others. Furthermore, he gets to tell them what their experience actually was (that's called gas-lighting girls and boys...) Perhaps, in his haste to react, Ben missed the parts where the writer speaks positively about Bethel, acknowledging her gratitude for the good things she found there?

"Your just upset cause they wont bend and make your feelings more valuable then Gods standards."

More accusations, and more outrage that the leaders at Bethel should have to consider the feelings of others. I do wonder if he's confusing Bethel's standards, with God's...

"If you don't want to change however, and want to live by emotion, feeling and sensuality..."

As this is exactly the type of judgement the writer was lamenting in her letter "[Kris Vallotton] also said homosexuals are simply people whose character has atrophied to the point where we no longer have the moral fortitude to hold ourselves back from our lusts", I'd say Ben has learned well from his leaders.

"...I won't sit back while my friends get accused"

Maybe it's time we learned the difference between accusation and disagreement. Disagreeing with a brother, even if he's a leader at Bethel, is not a sin.

"Ps: they wrote against Bethel and were praised for standing up!" [emphasis added]

Despite his repeated accusation that the author "wrote against Bethel", it's actually not true. She was simply voicing her concerns about one aspect of Bethel's teaching. And she was praised - very appropriately IMO - for the grace she displayed even in her disagreement with the church. "Bethel is a beautiful place. Thank you for the 6 years of community and equipping. I hope Bethel is able to have a positive impact on people for years to come."

"I will keep this post up for a short time - because it's not my heart to divide, but rather to lay a firm ground for truth."

This looks to me more like a desire to enforce conformity, not present the truth. The not-so-subtle message here is: comply with the dictates of the church or you will be accused of creating division.

But as the letter pointed out, "You told us over and over, both in school and in church, that disagreement was healthy and that we didn’t have to agree to be family. Kris, you talked about God moving us away from denominationalism (where we gather out of agreement) and into apostleship (where we gather because we’re family). And I still believe that’s the direction we’re meant to take."

Now it seems to me that driving all this bluff and bluster from Mr Fitzgerald is a dangerous belief that there are some christians who are beyond being questioned or challenged. Because, irrespective of the issue being debated, this type of reaction from any church leader speaks of a culture suspiciously akin to Animal Farm. In other words, "All christians are created equal, but some are more equal than others!"

So maybe it's time we stopped treating celebrity pastors like demigods, and realised we are all brothers and sisters here. No-one is infallible. No-one is above questioning. And no-one's word should be taken as gospel.

Breastfeeding In Church Will Not Cause Armageddon!

I'm afraid I've been thinking again...

This time it's about something that was posted in a Facebook group I belong to. Apparently some mum in Virginia (USA) went to church one Sunday morning, and tried to breastfeed her daughter while listening to the sermon. She was quickly asked to leave the room because of it, and when she enquired, was told that this was church policy. (It is worth noting, that this policy is in violation of the law of that state.)

This mum then spoke publicly about what she experienced... and boy did the sh*t hit the fan!

I have spent some time today reading the comments section of her post, and I'm still reeling from the nastiness from the church-going public.

Apparently, breastfeeding in church is not "decent", or "considerate of others". This mum was being "ridiculous" and "should have fed her child before going to church"; gone "into another room"; gone "somewhere private"; or at least "covered up" so that she didn't "bring all that drama to the church, the house of God."

This mum is apparently "totally devoid of common sense" for "flipping her BOOBS out", and "show[ing] NO concern for the stress [she] caused on others".

And on, and on it went...

"You just have no morals."
"...she's after money."
"...you just wanted 15 mins of fame..."
"You should be ashamed of yourself."
"This lady pulled her BOOB out in front of the church..."
"I pray that God Himself will deal with you."

And here's my personal favourite:

"Some one suggested that there is some group, or atheist occult that has put her up to this to get the church to change its policy, to attack it just to show its power over the church. Or to divide it. John 10:10 - The enemy comes but to kill, steal, and destroy. Mathew 11:12 - the Kingdom suffereth violence and the violent taketh by force."

Dear God, get a grip! All this "it's-end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it", simply because a mum tried to breastfeed her child in 'church'!!! Is this really what we have become!?

I just wonder how some of these people would react if a homeless person wandered in off the street. Would they lose the plot entirely, or just demand she go and have a bath and put on decent clothes?

And I wonder if these church-goers would eject the son of Mary and Joseph from their "house of God" because he didn't fit their middle-class morality. 

And I wonder if this would even be an issue at all if it was men, and not women, who were equipped by God to breastfeed their young.

But I don't wonder at all why more and more people are permanently leaving the building that some call church.

And I certainly don't wonder why there are so many people who believe christians are not safe to be around...

A Few Things I Wish Christians Understood About "The World"

If you act like total jerk and people object, you are not "suffering for Jesus", or being "persecuted for your faith". You are simply experiencing normal, negative feedback.

Having someone disagree with you is not persecution. Persecution involves genuine human rights being violated (e.g. oppression, torture), not merely a loss of power and privilege. Disagreement simply means someone see things differently from you and is willing to say so. Please learn to know the difference.

When people outside the church respond badly to things you do or say, it might not be because "your words convict their hearts". It is just as likely because they see a disconnect between what you preach and how you live.

Politics (and by extension, your favourite political leader) will not save the world or usher in the "millennial reign". Neither will legislation based on your own understanding of "biblical" morality.

If making others comply with your moral code is more important to you than the plight of the poor and marginalised in your community, you may have misunderstood what Jesus meant when he told you to love your neighbour.

Jesus had no time for empire-building or king-making. He focussed on serving others, loving others, laying down his life for others...

It's just possible that "the world" is waiting to see "the church" look more like that.

Dysfunction Disagreement in Christian Conversations

I had another one of those conversations recently. You know, the sort where I ask a christian friend (as gently as I know how) a question about the implications of a statement they've made. And the response leaves me feeling like I've crossed some invisible line that reads, "Heretics and other outcasts stand here." My question remains unanswered...

This type of interaction seems to happen all too frequently. I question something, or I say I see it differently, or I simply raise the possibility of an alternative viewpoint, and the wagons circle in polite silence until I find myself on the outside looking in, counting the cost of wanting authentic relationship.

It makes me think. (Sorry, I'm still unrepentant over that particular "sin".) And it seems to me that the institutional church sets us up for this dysfunction. It fails us when it silences our questions. It stunts our growth and sets us up to founder in the real world.

Too many christians have been trained in an atmosphere where the leader speaks, and the sheep bleat in unquestioning acceptance. "My pastor says x, so that's the end of the discussion." And then they tend to repeat their favourite leader's statements, expecting to meet with the same response they've seen those leaders receive in the church.

Unquestioning acceptance.

The only trouble is that outside the walls of that culture bubble live people who have either woken up and shaken off their stupor, or who never fell down the rabbit-hole in the first place.

So when it happens that christians speak their 'truth' and are met with questioning (or worse still, disagreement!) they are totally unprepared for the shock, and unequipped to deal.

I'm not talking about ad hominem attacks here. I mean genuine questions asked by people who are seeking to engage in actual dialogue in the hope that maybe both parties will learn something.

But so many of us were taught that we had 'the truth' and if we just presented it in a manner that was authoritative enough, 'the world' would "see the light". 'The church' failed us like a parent who hides their child away in a darkened room to keep them 'safe'. Such a child might look normal, but they will be incapable of healthy or mature social interaction with the wider world.

Sadly, many well-meaning christians who have been taught their church's version of "the Truth" simply regurgitate it and expect people to accept it as gospel. And when they are met with anything but absolute endorsement, they don't seem to know what to do.

Some go into attack mode, angrily fighting back against an unseen enemy. Some pull the heretic card, outraged because "the bible clearly says..." Some go off on a tangent, piling up enough red herrings to stock a fishmonger's shop. And some play the conspiracy game in which said christian assumes the position of 'persecuted christian'.

Whatever their reaction, what they all fail to do is engage in rational, reasoned, grace-filled conversation. But I guess people can't do what they've never been taught or seen modelled. And for multitudes of otherwise intelligent people, the church has not only failed to provide a safe place to practice diversity of thought, it has actively discouraged it.

Do Hurt People, Hurt People?

There is an old saying, "Hurt people, hurt people."

The idea is that people who have been hurt will lash out and hurt others in their pain. Sounds reasonable... sort of...

Except for the fact that some of the kindest, gentlest people I know are those who have been hurt deeply.

And they'd rather chew off their right arm than wound another the way they have been.

Which leads me to a question: Is this just another form of victim-blaming? "It's your fault that I have to ignore your pain because you haven't dealt with it like 'good christians' should."

Is it a way to dismiss someone's very real grievances? "Oh, that person is just operating out of their hurt. We don't need to listen to them."

I would like to offer an alternative thought here - one that is certainly much closer to the reality that I've experienced.

It's actually people who pretend to themselves and others that they are not hurt, who hurt others.

It's the people who fool themselves into believing that they've got it all together who are the danger.

All of us have been broken or damaged by life in one way or another. But not all of us are willing to acknowledge that damage. Not all choose the painful road of owning our brokenness.

Worse still, many christians have been taught to believe in the "magic words" - say the right words in a prayer, and Jesus makes everything shiny! But it's not true. Some of the most godly men and women throughout history have been plagued by illness, depression, and doubts all their lives. But it was those who accepted that they were fractured who were able to transcend their reality.

Sadly, those who refuse to embrace the darkness of their own souls just compound their brokenness. They put on their masks and smother their pain.

Pain? What pain? I'm living in victory!

In the christian circles I've moved in, it is not the wounded who do the harm - it is the people who pretend they're not broken.

A Call For "The Church" To Repent

Around this time last year, a policeman came knocking on my door, summoning me to a court conference two days hence. My eldest son, who was home at the time, thought it was a some sort of joke at first. But it was anything but funny! The couple who had been part of the leadership crisis at my ex-church three years previously, were now alleging that I was a violent threat to the personal safety of both themselves and their children.

Once again I offered to meet with them, suggesting we use an unbiased, professional conflict resolution service. But apparently that was not acceptable to them. And so, I was forced to defend myself against a legal action brought by fellow christians.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I fell apart. To a law-abiding, unassuming person like me (who has never had so much as a speeding ticket in my life) this had me running scared. Here I was being accused in a legal document of such threatening and intimidating behaviour that these people were allegedly so fearful for their safety, I had to be stopped - by law - from ever being anywhere near them.

As far as I was concerned, the only complaint they made against me that I even recognised was that of writing a blog in which I shared my story of abuse in the church. None of the other allegations even made sense to me, so I was fearful how I could defend against things I had not done.

After three years of being pointedly shunned by this couple who had once been close friends (or so I thought) it was too much for me to cope with and I ended up a nervous wreck, unable to even leave the house without my husband's company. You might imagine how strained life was in our household. We even had to cancel Christmas celebrations because the stress of it was simply too much for me to cope with.

During this time, I reached out to one christian leader who knew us all. He told me he loved me just as much as he loved the litigants. When I said my family and I were being put through hell, he shrugged and told me to "let the courts sort it out." His professed love proved utterly meaningless as he turned his back on our suffering.

Another leader totally ignored my question about the credibility issue at play and instead told me what a good thing it was that I had family and friends around me. But a cup of coffee with a friend was not going to pay my legal bills.

Another - I was told - was shocked by the news of what was happening. But I never heard from him and his 'shock' didn't comfort my children as they witnessed their mother have a complete breakdown.

Another offered to pray for me, while remaining 'neutral' in the conflict. But neutrality wasn't going to persuade a reluctant eyewitness to attest to my innocence.

Each one of these christian leaders saw my pain and distress and yet they gathered their robes around them and walked past on the other side of the road.

People who are happy to hold positions of power and authority in the christian community refused to leverage it to step in and provide any type of help or intervention. They didn't want to get involved.

I wish I could say this was unusual behaviour or an isolated incident. But the truth is, it's not. Talk to anyone who has ever "rocked the boat" or been labelled as a "trouble-maker", and you will hear stories of people being attacked, rejected, and abandoned by "the church".

Thankfully, I did find help and healing (mostly from non-believers!). In fact, I've never been better. So why am I sharing my story? In the faint hope that it might open the eyes of those who are turning a blind eye and pretending not to see the bleeding bodies on the side of the road. Because I am constantly hearing the stories of other brothers and sisters who have been harmed by the church. Not just a little bit hurt or upset. Devastated. Shattered. Traumatised.

And people - often good christian people - don't want to know about it. "Oh, everyone's been hurt by the church at some time," they say dismissively. "Nobody's perfect." "I don't want to take sides." "Just forgive and move on." "We're all sinners, you know." "There's always two sides to every story." "You shouldn't talk about it."

But I cannot stand by and say nothing. I will not pretend that these things aren't happening. We must talk about these realities. We desperately need to change.

I'm asking the church to acknowledge the serious damage it is doing; to see how un-Christlike this behaviour is; to understand how abhorrent this attitude can be; to listen to your own brothers and sisters and actually feel our pain. And when I say I'm asking the church, I'm not talking about some impersonal institution. I mean you. And I mean me.

And I'm calling for repentance! Not just a quick and meaningless, "I'm sorry." I'm talking about a complete change of the way we do business; the way we treat each other; the way we think and behave. Because unless we do that, we are effectively choosing to harm our brothers and sisters without conscience. Ignoring the reality and looking away is a choice. But as William Wilberforce said when exposing the evils and injustices of slavery, "You may choose to look the other way but you can never say again that you did not know."

Betraying Jesus

The Huffington Post

When I was a young woman I fell in love with a man who didn't know how to love anyone but himself. (The number of 'relationships' he's chewed through before, since... and even while we were married, bears out this reality.)

But I was young and trusting. I believed his lies. I married him.

And inevitably it ended in tears. Mine.

It was a long time ago, and I have long since found healing. The reason I mention it is because this morning I read yet another story of heartbreak and abuse in the church. The actions of the church sounded sickeningly familiar, and I wanted to shout out, "Church! Just stop hurting people!"

It seems that no matter what the specifics of the story are, the behaviours and attitudes are always the same. But as I thought about it, I realised how sharply that contrasted with my experience of dealing with aftermath of my abusive marriage.

Back then, the people at my church supported me wonderfully. They walked lovingly and patiently with me through the desolation and death of my dreams. They affirmed my feelings of pain and loss, and grieved with me. They believed me.

The love and compassion I received was life-saving (maybe even literally...)

During that time, I lamented the breaking of my trust, and nobody thought it was inappropriate that I felt betrayed. I protested my husband's abuse of me, and nobody told me to "just forgive and move on." I cried out in my pain, and nobody expected me to be pretend I wasn't hurting. I gave words to the betrayal I'd endured, and nobody tried to silence me. I told my story, and nobody shook their head and said, "There are always two sides..."

And yet, when someone stands up and says, "The church has hurt me" these things are what they can expect, and it's usually what they'll get.

The one who speaks up about the problem becomes the problem. Their cries of pain are ignored and their grievances dismissed. Submission is demanded of the one hurting, while the perpetrator is simply exonerated. The church rallies to the defence of its own reputation, at the cost of the victim's. People are shamed and silenced and shunned.

It's. Really. Not. Ok. Church, if this is the best we can do, then we're selling a lie. We're peddling power and religion, not the gospel of Jesus.

In fact, I'll say it... I believe we're betraying Jesus.

Playing Nicely

Imagine a couple of young children having fun on a playdate while their parents watch on, sipping their coffee. The children are playing with the new kitchen set one of then recently received as a present. They talk about making a dinner party for their toys and set to with zeal.

Somewhere along the way, they decide that what they actually should be doing is making dinner for their siblings. They agree wholeheartedly on this - it is definitely their responsibility. But soon trouble erupts. It seems that neither can agree on who gets invited to the meal, what food should be served, or even how to set the table.

Now imagine what this looks like to their parents. At first they see their children's idea to cook a meal as cute, even though they know it's not really a task they are capable of, or responsible for. "Look," they say, "the kid's are playing grown-ups! How sweet."

They might smile indulgently and swallow their laughter. After all, we don't want to hurt their feelings.

But then things start to get heated. One child calls the other a rude name, the other responds with a punch to the arm. Soon they're at each other's throats and have to be pulled off each other by the parents.

What a horrible end to such a thoughtful idea. They only wanted to serve their siblings, after all. But, I'm pretty sure no-one in their right mind would see this as a good outcome.

And yet, isn't this a picture of us? We who call ourselves the church?

Do you think that maybe God sometimes feels like those parents. Watching his kids playing at being grown-ups god. We think it's up to us what our siblings believe; which sins are unforgivable; who "gets into heaven".

We take ourselves so seriously, but maybe it's time we realised that we're all just little children playing in God's world. None of us get's to say whose theology is "right" and whose is heretical. None of us has the right to tell others they don't belong to God. None of us are "grown-up" enough for any of that.

So let's "play nice" kids.

I Am Valid - And So Are You!

Maybe it's because it's the first anniversary of the day I learned that my sister's body was only being kept 'alive' by machines...

maybe it's because a friend has found closure with someone who denies the same to me...

maybe it's because I'm sickened by seeing almost daily proof that the children of my ex-friends have been taught that shunning and treating others like shit is good christian behaviour...

or maybe it's just because it's cold and wet and grey.

But this morning I feel tears pricking my eyes, and a weight on my soul.

The lies and abuse and deception in the 'church' just continue. The elephant is ignored, and when that doesn't work, it's painted and prettified to make people feel better about its existence.

The religious machine keeps chewing up the broken and spitting them out. The religious leaders today are as toxic as those Jesus addressed 2 000 years ago (Matthew 23) - and the people continue to support and enable them.

And yet I find, even as I sit and write these words, that a renewed strength is rising within me. I no longer hope or expect things to change, but I will not stop speaking out because that is my natural response to injustice.

I no longer let others dictate who I am, or how I should behave. I no longer bow to the pressure to pretend or conform. I have permission to be me - no matter how much others hate me for it.

I am reminded that it is legitimate to be me. Exactly the way I am.

I am valid.

And I want to remind you that you are too!

Maybe The System, Itself, Is The Problem...

I came across this quote today and I couldn't help but think of the 'church' system I've encountered:

"Life is full of examples of systems that work. When you find yourself in a situation where you can't make headway towards solving a problem, consider whether you're addressing the problem at its origin... What part of the system isn't working? ...

Too often we see a bad result and we mistake it for the problem. The result may be just a byproduct of a system that's not functioning, a flashing error warning to let you know that something has to change." - Henry Cloud

And I thought about the many christian leaders who are responding to the mass exodus of people from the institutional church by simply trying to plug the leak, instead of seeing it as a "flashing error warning" - seeing the loss of people as the problem, not a symptom of it.

Maybe it would be good if these people stopped to consider whether the system itself is the problem!

Maybe addressing the rampant abuse might help.

Maybe being honest and authentic (not 'pretend nice') might help.

Maybe dealing with conflict instead of silencing people might help.

Maybe changing the culture of arrogance and privilege might help.

Maybe embracing diversity might help.

Maybe 'leaders' living what they sell might help.

Maybe disabling the hierarchical structures might help.

Maybe abandoning the 'one man show' might help.

Maybe displaying the power of love rather than the love of power might help.

Maybe treating others like people not projects might help.

Maybe asking questions instead of enforcing answers might help.

Maybe dealing with our crap instead of blaming others might help.

Maybe representing Jesus accurately might help.

Maybe giving up the religious system and simply following Jesus might help.

Maybe...

Turning Evil to Good

(An Update on my Story)

In the biblical story of Joseph, his brothers hated him so much that they attacked him and then sold him into slavery in a foreign land. Eventually, he rose to a place of incredible power and authority in Egypt and ended up saving their lives (as well as countless others). After their father's death, the brothers feared Joseph would finally take revenge on them for their betrayal. Instead, he said to them, "Even though you planned evil against me, God planned good to come out of it."

And that's how I feel right now. That even though others "planned evil against me", I am now seeing the "good to come out of it".

Three years after leaving the institutional church, I'd found myself facing legal threats from some of those who'd 'encouraged' me to leave. It seemed like I was trapped in an incessant nightmare - that I'd never be free from the hostility and malice. The trauma was just too much to cope with and I ended up seeking professional counselling (from someone trained in psychology, not religion). And that has turned out to be the best thing I've done for myself in a very long time!

Just as my experience of spiritual abuse set me on a course of freedom from the religious rubbish that had weighed me down for too long, the attack on me late last year steered me towards getting the help I needed to rid my life of some other baneful baggage I was carrying. And it's feeling so good!

The truth is, we all need help sometimes. I did, and I'm grateful to be receiving the help I needed. It was way outside my comfort zone, and beyond by normal experience, but I did it anyway. And now I'm starting to experience the benefits. I've never for more at peace with myself, or more... whole.

If you are in that place - needing help beyond yourself - I'm really hoping you will be encouraged by my story to find whatever help you might need. And may it bring you the freedom you were created for.

When Controlling Behaviour Backfires

One of the first bloggers I started to follow after experiencing bullying and abuse in the institutional church was Julie Anne. She now writes a blog called Spiritual Sounding Board, but when she first started blogging, she could be be found here.

She wrote this about being sued by her ex-pastor:

"Days after the commencement of this blog, I received a legal summons suing me and three others for defamation to the tune of $500,000. The story of spiritual abuse needs to be told. People are being hurt emotionally and spiritually by pastors who use bully tactics and we need a place to learn, to talk freely, and to heal. I will not be silenced."

I was so grateful that she refused to be silenced, because it was people like Julie Anne who gave me hope after my world imploded around me. Blogs like hers reassured me that I was not evil, or insane, or "just bitter". And reading the stories of others helped me to understand that I was not to blame for the abuse I suffered at the hands of those who claimed to represent 'god'.

Now it's ironic, but many people would probably never have heard of Julie Anne's ex-pastor, Chuck O'Neal, if it were not for his actions in trying to shut down someone who was creating a safe place for victims of spiritual abuse. His attempts to dictate what could, and could not, be said or written - to control the narrative - backfired. People started reading and sharing Julie Anne's story as a direct result of Mr O'Neal's efforts to suppress it.

Whatever he thought he would achieve, Mr O'Neal's efforts to silence her, only called attention to Julie Anne's story.

Now, when someone tries so strenuously to suppress information that they end up achieving the exact opposite, its known as the "Streisand effect".

"The Streisand effect is the phenomenon whereby an attempt to hide, remove, or censor a piece of information has the unintended consequence of publicizing the information more widely, usually facilitated by the Internet.

It is named after American entertainer Barbra Streisand, whose 2003 attempt to suppress photographs of her residence in Malibu, California, inadvertently drew further public attention to it." - Wikipedia

Ironically, the photo was just one of 12,000 photographs taken to highlight the problem of erosion along the Californian coastline. In trying to suppress the photo, Ms Streisand only called attention to it, and her actions created the very problem she feared. The number of downloads of that particular photo jumped from 6 before her lawsuit, to an incredible 420,000 after it!

Attempts to maintain control over others rarely end well for anyone.

--------------------------------------

I don't know what was going through the heart and mind of Mr O'Neal, when he decided to use the law against a fellow christian. I can't imagine why he thought his reputation was so precious and important that he chose to take such an adversarial approach to his 'problem'. But I just can't see Jesus using the threat of legal action to silence and intimidate his brothers and sisters. And if Jesus can't be seen in the actions of his people, then something is wrong.

So here's my thought for the New Year:

Let's stop worrying about 'looking good', and actually care about being 'good'.

Let's take seriously the example of Jesus. He couldn't have cared less about his own reputation. And couldn't have cared more for the people around him.

"... He had equal status with God but didn’t think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! ... He didn’t claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death..." Phil 2:5-8

Instead of loving his power, he demonstrated the power of his love.

Let's commit ourselves to doing the same!

The Fantasy of Church Culture

In my last post, I mentioned watching the efforts of my ex-fellow elder to pretend he was unaware of my presence. I also mentioned how funny I found them. (I also admitted that I used to find this sort of behaviour deeply painful and hurtful.) So when a friend commented on my Facebook page that it gave her hope that she might also get to that same point of freedom from the pain, it made me stop and think about my response to his performance, and how I have got to this place myself.

One of the biggest factors at play has got to be the 'awakening' process I've journeyed through. I call it that because when I think about it, I am reminded of the lyrics of the Keith Green song:

Like waking up from the longest dream, how real it seemed
Until your love broke through
I've been lost in a fantasy, that blinded me
Until your love broke through

That's how it feels sometimes - that I've lived so much of my life in a dream-like state known as 'church culture', and finally the real love of God has opened my eyes to how much rubbish has been substituted for the simplicity of following Jesus. Christian culture too often blinds us to the unadorned call to love God and love others.

Waking up was a process. It didn't happen overnight. At first, I grieved the loss of all that is seen as important in church culture - things like a 'position' in the church and an officially recognised 'ministry'. I had fallen for the lie that I needed these things to be effective for God and it felt like I'd had these things stolen from me. I wanted to love and care for others, but I wasn't allowed to.

Sometimes, waking up is a process...

To make matters worse, those who had ripped me apart emotionally in this way were being held up to me as shining examples of how I should be. They were right (& righteous!). They had forgiven. They had 'moved on'. I should be like them.

But I kept hoping for an apology from those who'd abused me. Wanting justice for the wrong that had been done to me. Seeking validation of my claims against others.

I wanted something from these people, but they wouldn't even look at me!

So when they judged me and shunned me - when they treated me like I wasn't there and looked straight through me - it just re-opened all the wounds they'd inflicted on me and rubbed salt into them.

And then I started to wake up. To open my eyes. To see that these people were victims of their own fantasy. They'd built up a world that didn't exist. Where everyone was happy and loving and forgiving and perfect. Where all you had to do was say the magic words and everything was all ok. They couldn't afford to have the fantasy exposed, so anyone who saw things differently was a threat to the illusion, and they had to be dealt with! (What a pity burning at the stake was no longer an option!)

It seemed to me that they had locked themselves in a cage and thrown away the key... and were now desperately trying to convince everyone (including themselves) that they were the ones who were free. And it occurred to me that if these people couldn't even face me to acknowledge my presence, let alone actually meet with me and deal with our issues, it wasn't me who had the problem.

As I watched the contortions and the pretence, it became obvious which of us had really "forgiven and moved on".

And it was when I realised I no longer wanted - or needed - anything from these people.

It was then that I realised that I'd woken up from the dream-world of church culture. I didn't need official platforms or the approval of 'church leaders' to love and minster to others. I was free to love God and love others... wherever and whenever. It stopped being a performance and became simply the way I lived. I realised that I was happy... and I was free.

And I pray that my friend finds that place of freedom, too!

When Church Leaders Act Like... Christians!

The good news:

Matt Chandler & TVC apologised for subjecting Karen Hinkley to 'church discipline'.

The bad news:

It took so much blood, sweat and tears (& bad publicity) to achieve this result.

The worst news:

Everyone is taken by surprise by a church leader acting with humility and compassion.

cliparts.co

As one reader commented:

"Here is a guy teaching them about Jesus week after week (and the leaders set themselves up as specially annointed to lead) and when something like this goes public people are thrilled when they FINALLY, after so much publicity, act in a Christian manner."

Why You Are The Problem

It was a few days before the meeting at which the board's official 'advice' was to be handed down to me. By this stage, it was pretty obvious what that advice would be. As they'd spent the past 3 weeks being 'unavailable' - far too busy doing 'important things' to talk to me - it didn't take a genius to work out I was being hung out to dry.

I was sitting in the lounge room of elder R because I wanted to talk to him before I got officially shafted by the board. I was hoping (in vain!) that if I shared my concerns about the behaviour of elder J and his wife, and the board members backing him, that he'd realise there was something seriously wrong. I told him that if we'd been in the workplace, instead of a church, I'd have a good case to bring a charge of bullying against elder J.

Without blinking or missing a beat, elder R replied, "And he'd have a good case against you, too."

I was stunned! Elder R had not been privy to J's bullying behaviour towards me because it mostly happened in private encounters. But beyond that, he hadn't even been in the same country for much of that time!

So if he had anything to say about the way people had been treated, it was because he'd listened to, and accepted the accounts of, the one doing the bullying. (In hindsight, I've realised what a political animal elder R is, and how well he plays the game to win. He was never going to back the 'losing' side.)

Months later I phoned R in desperation. My husband and I had hit a crisis point over the elders' latest refusal to deal with things, and I was absolutely frantic. Despite my obvious distress, elder R calmly informed me that he was not in town and couldn't help us. No word of concern for us. No effort to make sure we had someone else to call on. No hint of taking any responsibility for the agony we were in. Apparently, he just didn't give a toss.

Eventually, I swore at him and told him he cared more for 'his' church than he did for the people in it. And with that I served myself up to him on a silver platter. It was exactly what he needed to prove that I was beyond the pale - emotional, irrational, fit only to be ignored. And he's never spoken to me since.

But despite my highly emotional state and my 'bad' language, I spoke the truth that night. By his actions, this man showed more concern over protecting the reputation of his church than he did over the lives being torn apart by it. It seems we were just collateral damage. No biggie.

It is a dangerous reality that christians - leaders especially - like to play God by creating 'church' in their own image. And then they find themselves having to defend that image against all comers - sometimes even to the 'death'. They don't necessarily set out to hurt people. They don't plan from the start to sacrifice others on the altar of their church's 'success'. But it happens nonetheless!

Jesus said he would build his church, but man has usurped that role. (Apparently some men think they can do a better job of it than Jesus.) And just like Victor Frankenstein's attempts to breathe life into a collection of dead body parts, they've created a monster. Ironically, they all too frequently become slaves to it. They must serve it at all costs. And tragically, that cost is too often paid for by others.

Because this monster demands not just obedience, but subservience; unquestioning allegiance; unswerving loyalty; blind faith.

It's an unthinking, unfeeling beast. It knows only one 'right' way, so you'd better have the correct answer every time. Make sure you submit to its every whim. Conformity and uniformity are your only hope.

When someone stands up and asks a question, or expresses a doubt, or suggests a different way, they must be dealt with. God forbid that anyone should stop to listen to these trouble-makers. They might start to see the monster for what it really is! These rebellious, un-submissive backsliders must be silenced.

And the easiest way of doing that is to deflect your own guilt onto them. If they question the wisdom of doing things this way, question their wisdom. If they say they've been bullied, accuse them of bullying. If they react out of their pain, use it as proof of their guilt.

The monster-makers cannot afford for one minute to see what it is they have really created (or how far it is from the picture Jesus painted), and so they must lay blame at the door of anyone who points out the monster's existence. These 'trouble-makers', these 'bitter, unforgiving' people, these 'false prophets and jezebels' are fed to the monster feet first. Judged, denounced, shunned.

But those who've created the monster can't escape it because they dare not acknowledge it exists. To do so would be to shatter the illusion of the greater good and expose the ugliness that lies behind. They'd lose their reputation, their position, their power. And they can't let that happen because they've convinced themselves that they must have those things so they can do great things for their god.

And so they fight to win because they must. They're on a mission from God and they can't imagine why people are so difficult. They are the anointed ones and if only everyone would just submit to their authority their church would be able to do the great things they dream of doing. They can't have these rabble rousers stirring up trouble - they must protect the flock. They're just trying to serve God, but these trouble-makers keep distracting them from their glorious mission. If they can only deal with these agitators, everything will be perfect.

So relax. No need to struggle or be angry. It's nothing personal. You're just being sacrificed for the good of the monster... um, church!

I Have Trust Issues

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me about whether I was thinking about finding another church to attend. I hesitated, talked around the question for a bit, and then I was finally able to admit out loud that I have trust issues when it comes to church leadership.

There was a time when I would automatically trust someone because they said they were a christian. That went doubly so for anyone in leadership in a church. Stupidly, naively, I bought into the idea that christians in general, and christian leaders in particular, could be trusted.

As much as I still sometimes feel angry at myself for that stupidity, the fact is that I did believe it.

And I learned the hard way that it wasn't true.

And in the aftermath of that disillusionment, I have now been able to admit that I have been left with a distrust of church leaders.

Minions Facebook Page

I am willing to trust someone if they prove they are trustworthy. But titles, positions and even what people say are no longer enough. If attitudes and actions don't match up with those things, I'm keeping my distance.

Once bitten, twice shy.

That doesn't mean I'm bitter. And it doesn't mean I'm unforgiving. It doesn't even mean that the wounds I received haven't scarred over. It just means I've learned from what I went through.

I'm still willing to be open. I'm still willing to be loyal. I'm even still willing to be vulnerable.

But I won't trust automatically. And I won't trust blindly.

And I won't go back into a religious system which has proved to be so unsafe. Because it places one man (or woman) in a position of power and authority over their brothers and sisters. And I've never yet met anyone who doesn't eventually let that power go to their heads.