Leaving The 'Church Collective'

A friend and fellow geek, (yes I'm looking at you Dallas!) commented on my last post about the similarities he sees between the church and the Borg*. And that reminded me of a post I wrote a couple of years ago, comparing the Borg's drive to assimilate other species with the church's zeal to impose "unity" on its members. Naturally enough, that got me thinking more about such things generally, and the Star Trek universe particularly.

[*For those non-geeks among us, Memory Alpha explains: "The Borg were a pseudo-species of cybernetic beings, or cyborgs, from the Delta Quadrant. No single individual truly existed within the Borg Collective (with the possible sole exception of the Borg Queen), as all Borg were linked into a hive mind. Their ultimate goal was the attainment of 'perfection' through the forcible assimilation of diverse sentient species, technologies, and knowledge. As a result, the Borg were among the most powerful and feared entities in the galaxy, without really being a true species at all."]

And that got me thinking about the character, "Seven of Nine" from Star Trek's Voyager series, a Borg drone and one of a sub-group of nine humanoids, all of whom had been captured and assimilated into the Borg collective. After being rescued by the crew of Voyager, Seven was faced with the challenge of learning to be a unique and individual being again.

Naturally enough, she struggles with the process - initially finding the loss of the hive mind confronting in the extreme. She is forced to become an independent individual, learning to live without the constant guidance and instruction of the hive mind.

In one particularly poignant episode, it is revealed that the 'Nine' borgs once crashed on a planet and were consequently cut off from the collective. Freed from that influence, the survivors discover that memories of their previous lives start to emerge. Remembering their lives before assimilation - that they were once free and independent people, with names instead of 'designations' - they decide they don't want to be 'rescued' and re-assimilated by their Borg brethren.

But, while the others of the 'Nine' were assimilated as adults, Seven was only a child when she and her parents were captured. Life as a Borg drone has been all she's really known so, not surprisingly, she acts like the little girl she once was. Seeing the others acting independently, she reacts in fear and panic, eventually forcing the others to rejoin the collective against their wills, and inflicting unthinking damage on them in that process.

Now to me, this seemed like a perfect metaphor for the experience of leaving the institutional church. Not only do those who leave have the sometimes difficult task of discovering who they are outside the 'hive mind' of the church, but they also have to contend with those who react in fear and try to force them back.

It can feel strange and lonely when you first stop operating as part of a 'church collective'. Exploring how to be yourself outside the institution can be challenging. Asking previously forbidden questions, finding new 'answers' to those you did have permission to ask, even finding that you might need to live without the old certainties, can all make for a stretching, even difficult time. You might even make a few mistakes! But that's ok. It's all part of the process of finding freedom and your new place in the world.

So when you face the inevitable naysayers who are fearful of others making an independent choice, and who try to impose their ways upon you again, you can exercise that new-found freedom and make your own decisions. You are not obligated to obey the collective, you can listen to the voice of the Spirit gently guiding you, and you can boldly go where maybe you've never gone before...


Disclaimer: I am not saying that freedom cannot be found within the institutional church. I am saying that I couldn't find it there.

"Christians Are Intolerant Bigots"

Now that I've got your attention, let me ask you how that title made you feel? Are you angry? Do you feel like hitting out at me? Do you want to blast me to hell in the comments section for saying something so outrageous? Well before you completely write me off, please listen to what I have to share...

Because for as long as I can remember, the church has targeted one group or another as being the very exemplar of the anti-christ. Hippies, musicians, new-agers, feminists, gays... the list goes on and on. Even the growing number of those leaving the institutional church are coming under fire from the gatekeepers of religious morality.

The trick is take a bunch of people who have something vaguely in common, speculate wildly on their motivations and then make outrageous generalisations about them. Pretty soon you've convinced yourself (and all those who also live in fear) that the end of the world is nigh and that you are the only true defenders of the faith!

Whatever the group, christians seem to have a knack of creating a solid conspiracy (often, out of very little at all) to defend against to their dying breath. Gays: well they're obviously all out to pervert our children. Feminists: they all want to emasculate men. New-agers: they're all hell bent of subverting every religious icon we have.

We seldom ask questions, and we almost never stop to listen to or engage with the 'other' because we're so busy 'knowing' how evil, nasty, and otherwise threatening this group is, and how detrimental to our way of life is their 'agenda'.

These are not individual people we are talking about, each created bearing the very image of God. No! They are part of an amorphous, malevolent perversion of God's word!

And any person who even comes near to associating with the feared group is automatically viewed as a minion of some vast and terrible attack on "everything we hold dear".

The problem with this is, of course, that we are doing to others exactly what we vociferously reject when it is done to us.

Just the other day, I had an online conversation with a woman who was very quick to defend herself and let me know she was not like her "American Christian friends".

Another guy was equally vocal about disassociating himself from "those type of christians".

And of course, I'll never forget the time I was berated by my boss (as my sister lay dying!) when he assumed I was making bitter generalisations about "all christians".

These are not isolated incidents, but regular occurrences. Stand in any group of christians and use the term "all christians", or talk about the "christian agenda", and you'll soon have a taste of it.

But is it appropriate to do to others what we hate being done to us? More specifically, is it loving and Christ-like to invalidate and dismiss a whole people group just because they are different - or worse, because we have judged them to be 'sinful'?

The truth is that nobody likes to be de-humanised and condemned by other human beings. Nobody appreciates being judged "guilty by association". We are individuals with our own unique ways of seeing the world and our own motivations for doing or believing the things we do. The last thing we want is to have others assume things about us based on what company we keep (or even who we choose to defend against injustice).

So here's a suggestion, let's stop judging and assuming the worst about 'the other' and actually engage with people instead. Let's follow Jesus's example and take time to sit with the 'outcasts'. Let's listen to those who see things differently. Let's stop labelling and demonising, and unmask and disarm our own fear.

Fear and Crusades

Recently, I left this comment on Jory Micah's blog post regarding Mark Driscoll's unhealthy teaching on submission:

"The whole ‘biblical submission’ teaching is absolutely toxic! Despite the fact that it is a residue of the shepherding movement (whose leaders have long since repented of their teaching) men are still peddling versions of this crap because it panders to their egos and means they get to be ‘over’ others. It damages lives and is the antithesis of Jesus’s teachings. 

In my own experience, when I complained about the abusive and bullying behaviour of my male co-leader, that behaviour was not even questioned and I was made out to be the problem. I was given the choice to submit to his “godly leadership” or resign! And just like MD, this man now runs his own church, and I fear for those ‘under’ him!"

A short time later an anonymous reader replied with this:

Bad grammar aside, this is exactly the sort of behaviour I was subjected to at my ex-church! Threats and intimidation to keep me in line - to control my behaviour!

Now I seriously question the intent behind using fear as a motivation for anything, let alone to preserve your 'salvation'. Can you imagine a god who says in effect, "Behave acceptably or I'll throw you out of the club!" It's worth based on compliance - on conforming to a set of prescribed behaviours! 

That just doesn't sound like the one who was happy to hang out with the social rejects of his day; to openly display how much he valued them. And it sure doesn't sound like the one who spoke out against the self-righteous religious leaders' and their willingness to unnecessarily burden those supposed to be in their care.

The interesting thing I've found is that since leaving the religious institution, I'm no longer driven by fear. I no longer fear making mistakes; I no longer fear getting it 'wrong'; I no longer fear failing to have the 'right' doctrine; I no longer fear not measuring up to the expectations of others.

Instead, I have found a beautiful confidence in the capacity of God. His capacity to love me, to redeem me, to be enough for me. Confidence that I am fully acceptable to him, period!

The other thing I question is the concept of "crusading for truth". It's not about loving others, it's about "crusading". It's about insisting on your truth trumping that of others. Just the use of the word 'crusade' speaks volumes to me about the mindset behind the words. It speaks of a militant and aggressive approach - an 'us' versus 'them' attitude.

Somehow, that doesn't sit well with the life of the one who chose to die rather than use power and might to prove his point.

I don't know about you, but I am completely over the use of fear and crusades to push religion. I'm ready to try the suggestion Jesus made: to simply love God and love others... 

Why Can't Christians Cope With Disagreement?

A few weeks ago I wrote a post entitled Why Can't Churches Deal With Disagreement? I was discussing the fact that most of my experience with that particular institution has encompassed an enforced conformity to a single viewpoint (usually that of the leader/s) and a lack of willingness to have the difficult conversations which are needed for real unity to occur.

Yesterday, I had an experience which left me wondering (yet again) why it is that individual christians also fail so miserably at this necessary skill.

I had read an article suggesting ways in which christians fail to represent Jesus to the world, and I was engaged in an online discussion regarding it. In the midst of this, one woman had mis-quoted what was written in the author's bio as proof of his heretical tendencies. Knowing how easy it can be to read into the words of those with whom we disagree, I suggested she might have mis-read the original words, as the real quote spoke of something quite different. She quickly replied that she hadn't been referring to his bio at all, but another article entirely. When I quoted her words back to her - words which clearly indicated she had been referring to the author's bio - she became extremely agitated. I was accused of being passive-agressive and questioned about the validity of my faith. She then deleted not just her comments, but her entire profile as well.

Apart from the lack of honesty and integrity on this woman's part, her unwillingness to accept that I could legitimately agree with the author's article was stunning. She and another commenter seemed to think that if they only used enough words, I'd see the error of my ways and repent. Failing that, I'd need to provide concrete evidence, with plenty of biblical referencing, to show to their satisfaction that I was not just being bloody-minded. And even then I'd still be wrong!

Unfortunately, the inability of many christians to accept that anyone could legitimately hold a differing view to theirs is all too common. Common, too, are the displays of anger and the nasty belittling of the person they happily accuse of 'heresy'. It got me thinking about what it is that makes christians prone to display such unloving and ungracious behaviour.

And it occurred to me that the whole institutional church system all but guarantees this outcome. The message we are sold is that only we have the "truth", and that it is our holy duty to set everyone else straight - creating an incredibly arrogant attitude towards those outside our own little sect. On top of that we are trained to be passive receptacles of the preacher's wisdom - teaching us that thinking for ourselves is a dangerous pursuit. Questioning the dogma, or the one who preaches it, will quickly land you in serious trouble!

So we are left with thousands upon thousands of christians who are too arrogant to entertain the validity of any differing perspective, and too conditioned to question the dogma or to think for themselves. Naturally enough, when anyone who claims to follow Jesus but who fails to conform to the approved 'truth' comes on the scene, the only option open is to react in fear and anger.

The more convinced we are of our own correctness, the more tightly we hold to our own perspective. If I am certain that I am correct, then your differing view must inevitably be wrong! My superior understanding trumps yours... every time.

On the other hand, the more open we are to understand that our perspective might be simply one of many (or might even be wrong!) the likelier we are to welcome the input of others, and even benefit from their way of seeing things.

Why do we christians live in constant fear of heresy or error? Why do we insist on a standardised 'faith', refusing to engage with or validate the views of others? For myself, I trust in a God who is big enough to guide us and keep us safe in our faith journey.

Yet it seems we cling to our own pet dogmas like a life raft on a stormy sea, fearful of anything outside that space, and so we fail to be enriched by the wisdom others have to share - and God forbid that wisdom might come from a source outside our own religious enclave! It seems we'd rather destroy relationship and treat others as worthless than give up our own arrogant ignorance.

Maybe it's time we stopped shoving our 'truth' down people's necks and actually listened to what other people are seeing. Maybe it's time we started treating others (and their understandings) with the love and respect that Jesus modelled for all of us!

In Which I Am Grateful For My Loss!

This past week, with social media bristling with the noise and reaction to the American Supreme Court's decision regarding same sex marriage, my strongest emotional response has been one of gratitude for being hounded from the IC (institutional church).

That might sound strange... but I can explain.

You see, I spent most of my life in the IC and it taught me well. It taught me that there was a right way to think and a wrong way. It taught me that there was an acceptable way to behave and an unacceptable way. Most of all, it taught me to fear.

To fear anything that was outside the prescribed and approved thoughts and behaviours.

And so with fear and outrage running hot across the internet, and memories of how I, too, used to live in that space flooding in, I was overcome with gratitude for the freedom and rest I've discovered since IC and I so painfully parted ways.

I didn't have to react to what the newsfeeds where screaming at me. I didn't need to fear the sky was falling in. I didn't feel obliged to jump in and 'defend' anything.

I just sat with God and relished his love and his peace, knowing he was immeasurably bigger...

Who's in Charge Here?

I had an interesting experience during the week which has got me thinking.

I was in a part of town I don't usually visit and as I stood waiting for the person I was meeting there, I became increasingly aware of a heavy, negative spiritual atmosphere in the area. It became quite oppressive and I was getting really uncomfortable when I sensed God asking me a question.

"Who's in charge here?"

Immediately, the atmosphere changed. It was just like a light had been turned on in a dark room as my focus shifted from the very real spiritual darkness around me to the one who has been given ALL authority (Matt 28:18) - the one who was actually in charge in that place.

It was quite a startling experience, and I have been thinking about it ever since.

Now it's obvious from what I've just written that I believe that the spiritual world is very real, as is the battle we face every day. And just for the record, I also believe there are times when we care called to confront those spiritual forces.

But I started to wonder about how much time and effort christians have put into chasing the demonic, 'discerning' and 'driving out the enemy'. And I started to wonder if we might not have been more effective simply agreeing with Christ that the Kingdom of God is, indeed, at hand?

Recognising it.

Declaring it.

Living it.

Knowing beyond a shadow of doubt that the King is in charge here!

It concerns me that we've worried so much about the influence of the enemy that we've hidden ourselves away lest we be contaminated. We've denounced everything from music styles to hair styles. We've lived in fear of the 'other' - other religions, other philosophies, even other christians.

But who really IS in charge here? Do we believe God is in charge, or do we just give mental assent to something that has no reality in our lives? If we truly believe that God is in charge, then why do we live in fear? Shouldn't we be the most free, confident and loving people around?

Words of Wisdom

Just recently, God revealed to me my next step forward in the journey beyond religion. It scared me because it meant stepping out from behind the protective barrier I had erected as a defence against the abuse I had suffered. I shared my understanding with a couple of close friends, people I trust to speak honestly and lovingly, and in both cases, I was left with a little gem of wisdom to treasure.

My first friend gave me permission to take my time and to remember that this was just another part of the journey I was on. I didn’t need to stress, somehow thinking I needed to arrive there yesterday! I forget that sometimes and think that I have to achieve things overnight, but that is not true. God is not compelled by time and is more interested in the depth of our growth than the speed. He wants lasting transformation. He was into sustainability long before it became trendy!

The advice given by my second friend was the suggestion that I relax and let God do the work, coupled with a caution against expecting things to look the same as they did before. Again, I really needed to hear this. When God asks us to do something, he’s not asking us to do it in our own strength. All he wants is our willingness, our co-operation. He’s more than capable of doing the rest (as he’s proved to me once again during this past week).

It was also a timely warning not to confuse past experience with what God is doing now. It can be so easy to look back to what was, and mistake that for the goal. But there is no going back and God doesn’t call us to live in the past. So I’m letting go expectations and trusting that he will show me the way to live with (and in) him now.

I wanted to write about this for two reasons. Firstly because I think these words of wisdom are worth sharing, that they have application well beyond my own circumstances. They are truths which stand as reminder to all of us that there is no need to rush and panic, no need to strive. God is full of endless creativity and he has no need to repeat the past. He calls us into renewal all the time.

Secondly, I am profoundly grateful for the blessing of having friends who are willing to walk in meaningful relationship with me. I treasure their words of love and wisdom. I was reminded I can’t do it alone and I don’t believe that any of us are meant to. We are created to do life with others, to know and be known, to walk in relational intimacy. If I were to offer my own ‘wisdom’ to you as you read, it would be to make room in your life for relationship. The investment is more than worth it.

Emotions

I feel angry tonight...

angry that I got screwed over by the church I’d poured my heart and soul into. Angry that the people who did this to me remain in power. Angry that people can say they follow Christ yet have no conscience about maiming their sister. Angry that the people I tried to serve so faithfully just didn’t want to know. Angry that I’ve lost friends, family, my place within community. Angry that I’m the one who was judged and found wanting because I didn’t just pretend things were ok. Angry that I can’t go back to the way I was...

and fearful that if I say these things - if I admit them in such a public way- I'm condemned again. Because you're not supposed to feel angry if you're a Christian. You're supposed to be 'nice', you're supposed to 'just forgive', you're supposed to 'move on'...

and then I write it all down and all I'm left with is an empty sadness...

and I know that tomorrow I'll feel differently. Tomorrow I'll feel the warmth of Father's love for me. Tomorrow I'll thank God that I'm free of the pretence, the facade. Tomorrow I'll see it from His perspective again. Tomorrow I'll find the joy again...

but tonight, I'm not ok…