Sunday, 9 March 2014

Emotions


I feel angry tonight...

angry that I got screwed over by the church I’d poured my heart and soul into. Angry that the people who did this to me remain in power. Angry that people can say they follow Christ yet have no conscience about maiming their sister. Angry that the people I tried to serve so faithfully just didn’t want to know. Angry that I’ve lost friends, family, my place within community. Angry that I’m the one who was judged and found wanting because I didn’t just pretend things were ok. Angry that I can’t go back to the way I was...

and fearful that if I say these things - if I admit them in such a public way- I'm condemned again. Because you're not supposed to feel angry if you're a Christian. You're supposed to be 'nice', you're supposed to 'just forgive', you're supposed to 'move on'...

and then I write it all down and all I'm left with is an empty sadness...

and I know that tomorrow I'll feel differently. Tomorrow I'll feel the warmth of Father's love for me. Tomorrow I'll thank God that I'm free of the pretence, the facade. Tomorrow I'll see it from His perspective again. Tomorrow I'll find the joy again...

but tonight, I'm not ok… 




2 comments:

  1. When we "worship" with 100+ souls, the numbers themselves appear to validate the experience, the system, the structure. My wife and I have been living life outside of the IC for a couple years now. It gets lonely. But I don't think I would trade the journey for anything. Thanks for being real, LL. And thanks for allowing me space to be real last night in my short, profane comment.

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    1. James, it's a pleasure to meet you here! :)

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