My Story - Part 3 - Things Come to a Head

Things came to a head a couple of months later when the church was invited to participate in an annual prayer event. It seemed like a no-brainer, yet after praying about it, both elder M and I felt unaccountably uneasy. Elder R was overseas at the time (an increasingly regular reality) and was happy to abide by the decision of rest of the team. Elder J, however, was insistent we participate and after several quite painful communications between the three of us, declared his intention of announcing our involvement to the rest of the church that Sunday. I was beside myself by this time!

That Sunday morning, despite being very unwell, I dragged myself to church for a pre-service elders meeting to resolve the impasse. Although we did manage to reach a short-term compromise position at that meeting, it was obvious we were in serious difficulty.

Despite desperate attempts to resolve the issues, the bullying and abuse continued. By now it was clear that elder J wanted to be the one in charge. He considered himself to be ‘the leader’ and elder M and I could submit or be run over. (Elder R was absent for a great deal of this time, and even when he was around, elder J wouldn’t dream of treating him the same way as he was afraid of R.)

Eventually, we contacted the board, told them we were in a huge mess and asked them for their help. A meeting was set up, but instead of addressing any of the actual realities, they met with us, told us we were in a huge mess and said we needed help! They then said a few ‘magic words’ and declared that everything was ok!!! I walked away from that meeting utterly shattered, unable to stop weeping, and yet no-one seemed to notice or care. They all went out to dinner that night to congratulate themselves on a job well done!

Of course, what I didn’t know at the time was that it was the board members who were urging elder J to ‘step up’ and ‘take the leadership’. So naturally they could see no problem! It’s just a pity they didn’t think to inform his fellow elders about the changes they were trying to impose on us.

My Story - Part 2 - Alarm Bells Start to Ring

As we engaged in the journey forward, there was a strong acknowledgement of our own brokenness and our total reliance on God - which was why we obeyed when we believed God was telling us not to call another pastor (“do not to ask for a king!”).

To ensure we had ‘back-up’ in case of any future unresolvable conflict in the church, we established a board of reference. This consisted of four men from various places around the country with whom we would cultivate relationship and to whom both the leadership and the body could turn for advice and ‘oversight’. One of these men had been an associate pastor at our old church (board member D).

For the most part over the next few years things seemed to go well, and we felt God was blessing our efforts to hear him and be obedient. There was a spirit of goodwill amongst the leadership, and even one difficult situation, which resulted in one of the elders being replaced, seemed to have been negotiated reasonably enough. (In hindsight, I see that we had put ‘principle’ before relationship in that incident, but at the time, we thought we were doing really rather well.)

Late in 2011 there was an incident where elder J found himself in fairly sharp disagreement with the rest of us over one particular issue. This was seemingly resolved with what appeared to be a clear directive from God. Unfortunately, what we didn’t know was that elder J had been deeply wounded by the incident and he carried his hurt silently for several weeks. Elder J and his wife were close friends with my husband and I, so it soon became apparent to me that things were not as ok.

In January, I raised the issue with elder J and urged him to share his hurt with his fellow elders. There was great resistance to my suggestion and I was informed that board member M had cautioned him to be careful with both what he shared, as well the timing of that sharing.

This set off alarm bells for me… but I trusted these people and believed they only wanted the best for us, so I tried to bury the sense of rejection and pain that was growing inside me. (Dissonance, anyone?)

In my saner moments, I could see an increasing tendency for J (and his wife who was at every elders meeting) to treat me as an inferior. We were a team of equals, yet if I made a decision on my own, I had to have a meeting to explain and justify myself to him. If he thought we should make a particular decision, it wouldn’t matter what arguments I put forward - I would be beaten into submission with the ongoing repetitious comeback of, “I strongly believe…” In the midst of this, my physical and emotional health was deteriorating rapidly.

My Story - Part 1 - A New Hope!

In late 2005, after many years attendance, my husband and I left the church where we had met and been married. We left with sadness because, although we had received from this church much which was good and life-giving, we had come to realise there was no longer a place for us there. (The senior pastor, himself, had declared this to be the case during one of his Sunday morning sermons!)  We knew we were not alone - there had been a steady exodus from this church for some time. The ‘my way or the highway’ approach to church leadership does tend to create casualties.

After some months of searching for a new ‘home’, we started attending a small, family-oriented, independent church, which had originally been established by people from our previous congregation. About six months later, another family from our old church joined us after asking us where we were attending. The friendship between us deepened and the two families became close, spending much of our time together. Things were looking up!

Some years prior to our arrival, this church had experienced an unpleasant episode of conflict involving the pastor, elders and congregants, which had resulted in the pastor and some of the members leaving under rather bitter circumstances. Undaunted by this discovery, we decided to stay and commit to this church. Incredibly, some few months later, tensions arose between the leadership team and the congregation, which resulted in the entire leadership team (pastor and elders) leaving the church!

Can you begin to imagine our distress!?

However we decided to remain, determined to be a blessing to the church. A few months later I accepted a place on the eldership team. Our good friend from our old church also became a part of this team (let’s call him elder J). We were a team of four, three more recent members and one (elder R) who had been a part of the church since its inception.